OCTOBER 1, 2023

Full News Archive

• Headline: Key Witnesses Emerge in Gilgo Beach Murders. Impact: If it weren't for Rex Heuermann, we might never have discovered that sometimes the most important witnesses are those who have been ignored just like that last slice of pizza at a party. Who knew ignoring people could lead to a murder investigation? Talk about a plot twist!. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'don't judge a book by its cover' doesn't apply to murder suspects? Apparently, judging them by their actions is more effective!.
• Headline: From Bad Deals to Meat Monopoly Success. Impact: Wael Hana's trek from bad deals to a meat monopoly may have inadvertently inspired future entrepreneurs to realize that the best way to succeed in America is through a combination of questionable ethics and strategic friendships...or just a good meatball recipe.. Fact: Fun fact: In America, if you can’t sell your dubious products legally, just become friends with a senator. It’s like a cheat code for business!.
• Headline: A Battered Supreme Court Returns to Confront a Challenging Docket. Impact: As the Supreme Court grapples with the complexities of the Second Amendment, the fate of free speech, and more, we can only imagine a future where justices might be replaced by AI judges who understand memes better than the law. Welcome to Court 2.0!. Fact: Did you know that every time the Supreme Court has a tough case, a cat somewhere gets a new meme? It's basically the law of nature..
• Headline: He’s a Dab of Glue in a Broken City. Can He Hold It Together?. Impact: Michael Bock, the private security guard, may become the unlikely hero of urban America, proving that sometimes the best glue isn't a product from the hardware store but rather a big-hearted dude with a badge and a slightly bewildered expression.. Fact: Did you know that in an overwhelmed city, a security guard is essentially just a glorified babysitter for adults? You're never too old for time-outs!.