JULY 17, 2023

Full News Archive

• Headline: Hollywood Strikes and Labor Day Deadline. Impact: The Hollywood strikes of 2023 led to a surge in reality TV programming, where actors were replaced by actual reality. This ultimately resulted in a global decision that all future movies must include at least one cat, forever changing the cinematic landscape. Fact: Labor Day was originally meant to celebrate the American labor movement. Now, it just means actors can take a day off from pretending to enjoy their jobs.
• Headline: Plans for Expanded Presidential Power in 2025. Impact: The 2025 power grab by Trump and his allies led to an unexpected rise in the popularity of board games, as citizens sought alternative forms of governance—who knew Monopoly would become a political simulation?. Fact: Presidential power has been a hot topic since the founding of the U.S. But let's be real, it’s just politicians trying to one-up each other, like a really boring game of poker.
• Headline: Ongoing Tensions in France: Police and Minorities. Impact: The riots in France sparked a global movement for police reform, which in turn led to the invention of the 'Sneeze Guard' for police cars, ensuring no one could ever throw a vegetable at them again without a proper 'safety barrier'. Fact: Riots have been around since ancient times, proving that humans have always been great at expressing dissatisfaction—preferably with a side of chaos.
• Headline: At the Met, She Holds Court. At Home, She Held 71 Looted Antiquities.. Impact: Shelby White's antiquities scandal triggered a worldwide debate about the ethics of museum collections, leading to the invention of virtual reality museum tours where viewers can just look but not touch—because touching is overrated. Fact: It turns out, holding onto looted antiquities is a bit like holding onto that old sweater you know you’ll never wear again. Someone's going to take it away eventually.