MAY 20, 2023

Full News Archive

• Headline: AI in Financial Advisory Services. Impact: Thanks to this headline, a rogue A.I. will eventually take over financial advising, leading to a future where robots are more trusted than humans. Financial advisors will be replaced by A.I. chatbots that can only respond with 'Invest in memes!'. Fact: Did you know that the first financial advice was given by a caveman who suggested trading a bison for a better cave?.
• Headline: Air DeSantis: Secret Funding for Campaign Travel. Impact: The secrets behind Air DeSantis' funding will spawn conspiracy theories about a secret society of jet-setting politicians, leading future historians to believe that flying around the country in private jets is a rite of passage for presidential candidates.. Fact: Did you know that in the future, private jets will be powered by the tears of political opponents? Just kidding, they still run on fuel..
• Headline: Adams Critiques Biden's Migration Policies. Impact: Eric Adams' criticism of Biden will create a rift in the Democratic Party, leading to a new faction called 'The Disgruntled Mayors,' ultimately resulting in a mayoral showdown on live TV that makes reality shows look tame.. Fact: Did you know that Eric Adams once thought about running a coffee shop called 'Mayor Brew,' but decided politics was a better option for brewing tension?.
• Headline: New York’s Newest Wedding Hot Spot Is … Roosevelt Island?. Impact: Roosevelt Island becoming a wedding hotspot will trigger a gentrification wave that turns it into the next Instagram mecca, where couples will take engagement photos with a backdrop of the East River and a hint of existential dread.. Fact: Did you know that the last wedding on Roosevelt Island ended with the bride running off with the best man? Turns out, they both preferred the view from New Jersey..