MAY 7, 2023

Full News Archive

• Headline: Sister Senators Stand Against Abortion Ban. Impact: If not for these Sister Senators, who knows? South Carolina might have turned into a real-life Handmaid's Tale. Instead, they might have just ensured the state remains a battleground for the next decade. Bravo, ladies.. Fact: Did you know that 'Sister Senators' sounds like a terrible spin-off of 'Sister Wives'? Maybe they should start their own reality show instead..
• Headline: Surge in Migration Post-Title 42 Lift. Impact: Lifting Title 42 could create an immigration wave so big it might just wash away all the politicians who love to yell about it. Who knew the border could be a water park?. Fact: Fun fact: 'Title 42' sounds like a secret military operation, but really it just involves a lot of paperwork and some very confused people at the border..
• Headline: Vanished Murals From the Empire State Building Rediscovered. Impact: Rediscovering murals could lead to a renaissance of Art Deco appreciation. Who knows? This may spark a new wave of hipsters in bowler hats and monocles, drinking artisanal coffee while discussing the merits of forgotten art.. Fact: Did you know that Winold Reiss's work was once so beloved that it could make even the most jaded New Yorker smile? Too bad that's rare these days..
• Headline: Liz Holmes Wants You to Forget About Elizabeth. Impact: Liz Holmes reinventing herself could inspire a new trend of convicted felons seeking redemption through Pinterest boards. Watch out, influencers; there's a new wave of prison chic coming.. Fact: Fun fact: Liz's black turtlenecks were the real masterminds behind Theranos. They were just too fashionable to be associated with failure..