JANUARY 30, 2023

Full News Archive

• Headline: Scorpion Unit's Controversial Impact on Crime. Impact: The Scorpion Unit's formation sparked a nationwide trend of police departments adopting animal-themed task forces. Next up: the 'Panda Patrol' focusing on community outreach, which ironically led to more cuddly criminals.. Fact: Did you know that the Scorpion Unit was not actually named after the creature but after a popular 90s rap group? Clearly, crime-fighting and nostalgia go hand in hand..
• Headline: Mahomes Rescues Chiefs for Super Bowl Glory. Impact: Mahomes’ comeback solidified the narrative that the NFL is a soap opera where the protagonists can never truly lose. This paved the way for future playoffs where every game has a dramatic monologue included.. Fact: Did you know that Patrick Mahomes' full name is Patrick Lavon Mahomes II? Because of course, he had to be the second, making him twice as likely to throw a touchdown!.
• Headline: Politicians Want to Keep Money Out of E.S.G. Funds. Could It Backfire?. Impact: Politicians keeping money out of E.S.G. funds led to the creation of an underground economy of 'ethical investors' who now trade in artisanal, fair-trade stocks. They also wear hemp shirts and drink organic kale smoothies.. Fact: Did you know that E.S.G. stands for Environmental, Social, and Governance? Or, in political terms, 'Evasion, Sabotage, and Gloom'..