DECEMBER 26, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Legacy of Dr. Solomon Bossak. Impact: Dr. Solomon Bossak's medical practices were so effective that decades later, a faction of time-traveling health enthusiasts credits him for the odd trend of people obsessively micro-dosing kale and quinoa. Who knew he was the original influencer?. Fact: Did you know that Dr. Bossak once suggested that laughter is the best medicine? Ironically, he had a terrible sense of humor..
• Headline: Tribute to Chemist Lewis Pokras. Impact: Lewis Pokras's untimely death led to a series of unfortunate events in chemistry that eventually resulted in an entire generation believing that mixing baking soda and vinegar is a 'science experiment'. Sorry kids, it's just a mess!. Fact: Did you know that if Pokras had lived a bit longer, he might have invented the world's first truly effective hangover cure? But alas, the world will never know..
• Headline: J. FLETCHER HARPER. Impact: J. Fletcher Harper's legacy lives on, albeit quietly, in the form of countless forgotten and unnamed bureaucratic roles that continue to proliferate unnecessarily in every government office. Bravo!. Fact: Did you know that J. Fletcher Harper once got lost in his own paperwork for three days? Just think of the lost productivity!.
• Headline: Logical Organization Is the Secret Of Woman Who Fills Seven Roles. Impact: The woman in question proved that multitasking could lead to a future where everyone thinks they're a superhero with the ability to do it all. Spoiler: they're not. They're just stressed.. Fact: Did you know that the secret to filling seven roles is really just caffeine and an unyielding sense of denial?.
• Headline: 8 OF 11 DIE AS CAR HITS A BUILDING; 3 of 6 Children Are Killed Going to Father in Prison -- National Toll Rising. Impact: The tragic car accident led to stricter vehicle safety regulations, which is ironic considering that fewer people would have died if they had just taken the bus. Talk about a lesson in irony!. Fact: Did you know that in the aftermath of the crash, the term 'family car' became a euphemism for a vehicle that could fit an entire extended family for emergency escapes?.
• Headline: YIELD FROM ADS ON BUSES IS LOW; Income Running Well Below $5,000,000 Annual Rate Predicted at Outset YIELD FROM ADS ON BUSES IS LOW. Impact: The low yield from bus advertisements led to the creative genius of future marketers who would eventually convince people that the only way to sell a product is to put it on a bus. Yes, that's right, bus ads became a thing!. Fact: Did you know that if you look closely, some bus ads actually contain more drama than the soap operas they interrupt? It's all part of the art of distraction..
• Headline: The Spanish Refugees. Impact: The plight of Spanish refugees ignited the global humanitarian movement, leading to countless charitable efforts that would eventually morph into celebs posting on social media. #RefugeesMatter, right?. Fact: Did you know that the term 'refugee' was once a badge of honor in history? Now it just means a whole lot of paperwork and waiting..
• Headline: Europe's Bankers Believe Dollar Will Hold Strong; Unruffled by Deficit in U. S. Balance of Payments, They Feel That Stringent Actions Taken Will Bar Crisis EUROPE'S BANKERS BELIEVE IN DOLLAR. Impact: The optimism of European bankers about the dollar led to a string of questionable financial decisions, culminating in a series of economic bubbles that popped louder than any New Year's Eve celebration. Cheers!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing stronger than the dollar is the sense of denial among bankers when things go south? It's practically a sport!.
• Headline: WESTPORT MAPS FUTURE GROWTH; Master Plan to Rule Town's Expansion for 17 Years Is Fruit of 3-Year Study. Impact: Westport's master plan for growth became a blueprint for towns everywhere to overcomplicate simple expansion, proving once and for all that no good plan ever goes unchallenged by bureaucracy.. Fact: Did you know that the $21,175,000 price tag for the master plan could have built a really nice theme park instead? But who needs fun when you can have 'order'?.