DECEMBER 24, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Greenwich Teen Driver Safety Research Insights. Impact: This study's findings led to a nationwide push for stricter teen driver laws. By 2030, all teen drivers are required to take an additional 'How Not to Drive Like a Complete Moron' course, which ironically increases the number of teens who decide to just walk everywhere.. Fact: Teen drivers are still the reason your insurance premiums are through the roof. Thanks, kids!.
• Headline: Debate on Vehicle Stopping Distances. Impact: The debate over stopping distances sparked a revolution in car design, leading to the creation of 'hover cars' in 2080. Turns out, when you don't have to stop, you also don't have to worry about crashing into anything.. Fact: The only thing longer than stopping distances is the list of excuses people make when they rear-end you..
• Headline: In The Nation; No Real Break Made in the Industry-Wide Pattern. Impact: The stagnant bargaining pattern led to the development of a time-traveling union that negotiates contracts across centuries, leading to labor peace in 3023—but only after a few time paradoxes were resolved.. Fact: Industry-wide patterns are like bad fashion choices—they never really go away, they just keep coming back..
• Headline: To Check on Food Contamination. Impact: The proposed method for checking food contamination resulted in a whole industry dedicated to testing food for things that were never there in the first place, creating jobs and a new line of conspiracy theories about government cover-ups.. Fact: If you think your food is safe, just remember: ignorance is bliss, but a little paranoia never hurt anyone—much..
• Headline: Europeans Greet Era of Affluence As Mixed Blessing; Europeans Greet the Spreading Of Affluence as Mixed Blessing. Impact: The mixed blessing of affluence ignited a social media trend where people posted their 'first-world problems.' By 2040, this escalated to a new genre of reality TV that focuses solely on affluent people's struggles to choose between two luxury cars.. Fact: Affluence: because who doesn't want to complain about their endless supply of organic avocados?.
• Headline: Travel to Red China. Impact: The travel ban debate inspired a botched time-traveling tourism campaign that accidentally allowed people from the future to visit the past. Unfortunately, they brought back a lot of unwanted souvenirs.. Fact: Travel bans are like bad relationships; they just keep getting more complicated..
• Headline: EX-GANG ENEMIES GRACE YULE PARTY; East Harlem Clubs Realize Dream of a Reformed Juvenile Delinquent. Impact: The success of the East Harlem Youth Council paved the way for an annual 'Gangster Reunion' event which, surprisingly, turned into a community potluck. Who knew former enemies could bond over meatballs?. Fact: You can turn a gang rivalry into a neighborhood BBQ if you just throw in enough hot sauce..