DECEMBER 20, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ringling Moves Headquarters to Venice, Florida. Impact: Ringling's move to Venice, Florida, inadvertently sets off a chain reaction of circus-themed reality TV shows, leading to an entire generation believing that juggling clowns are a viable career option. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more unstable than a circus tent is the careers of those who think they can run away and join the circus!.
• Headline: Maritime Board Would Tighten Filing of Tariffs by Terminals. Impact: The Maritime Board's tightening of tariff filings leads to a global shipping crisis, where cargo ships are forced to communicate using interpretive dance due to paperwork overload. Fact: Did you know that the only thing less fun than filling out tariffs is explaining them to someone who thought they signed up for a fun day at the docks?.
• Headline: GRIEF SUBLIMATED AND THE ADVANCE GUARD. Impact: The rise of younger artists in New York leads to a renaissance of avant-garde art that eventually confuses the general public, who mistake a pile of bricks for the next great masterpiece. Fact: Did you know that in the art world, 'grief sublimated' is just a fancy way of saying, 'I can't draw, but I can make you feel things'?.
• Headline: THE FIRING SQUADS RESUMING IN CUBA; 2 Batista Soldiers Executed Are First to Die Since June -- More Trials Due. Impact: The execution of Batista soldiers creates a power vacuum that leads to a bizarre Cold War-era reality show where former soldiers compete for the title of 'Most Dramatic Exit.'. Fact: The only thing more tragic than firing squads is the fact that many people are still unaware that this kind of history can repeat itself if we're not careful.
• Headline: Bid to Block Loan Charged. Impact: The UAR's accusations against Israel create a series of diplomatic faux pas that culminate in a future where international meetings are held over Zoom—with disastrous results. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than Middle Eastern politics is trying to explain it to someone who thinks it’s just a game of chess?.
• Headline: Around a Prize-winner, a Paris Literary Storm. Impact: The Paris literary storm ignites a worldwide debate on plagiarism, leading to a bizarre new literary trend where authors just copy each other's works but change the character names and call it 'homage.'. Fact: Fun fact: Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery—unless, of course, you're the original author. Then it’s just theft.
• Headline: TRANSPORT NEWS: CARGO LINE SPLIT; Joint Venture by Two Dutch Companies Ended -- Cruise Ship Sets New Sailings. Impact: The split between Dutch companies leads to a sudden surge in cruise ship popularity, causing a future where everyone believes vacations can only be spent at sea while ignoring the realities of seasickness. Fact: Did you know that cruise ships are just floating cities where the food is mediocre, the entertainment is questionable, and you might end up sharing a cabin with a stranger who snores?.