DECEMBER 11, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: U.N. Delays Press Charter Development. Impact: After the postponement of the U.N. Press Charter, a series of increasingly bizarre press conferences were held, leading to the birth of reality TV because, hey, if the news is going to be delayed, might as well entertain us with live 'reality' drama. Fact: It's ironic that even the U.N. can't finalize a press charter when most people can't finalize their weekend plans.
• Headline: Architects Support NYC Zoning Change. Impact: The architects' push for more open space led to a sudden increase in parks and green areas, which in turn caused a nationwide epidemic of people actually going outside instead of scrolling through their phones. Fact: Before this zoning change, the only open space in NYC was in the minds of frustrated city planners.
• Headline: Iranian Troops Alerted Amid Tensions. Impact: Iran alerting troops triggered a long series of misunderstandings, leading to a future where everyone thinks they need to be ready for a fight over the last slice of pizza. Fact: Alerting troops is just Iran’s version of sending a 'watch out!' text to its neighbors.
• Headline: British to Double Scholarships. Impact: Doubling scholarships in Britain inadvertently led to an exponential increase in students who thought they could succeed in life just by watching TED talks. Fact: With double the scholarships, you’d think they’d figure out how to make the application process less convoluted.
• Headline: Rioting Indian Students Shot. Impact: The tragic shooting of students during a riot ignited a firestorm of activism, eventually causing political leaders to realize that ignoring youth voices is like ignoring a fire alarm—you'll regret it when everything goes up in flames. Fact: This incident served as a grim reminder that sometimes the loudest voices come from those who feel they have nothing left to lose.
• Headline: Army to Shift Generals. Impact: The army's decision to shift generals resulted in a bizarrely entertaining series of ‘who’s who’ in military leadership, leading to a reality show titled 'General Shuffle: Who Will Lead Next?'. Fact: Shifting generals is the military's version of switching seats at a dinner party, except with tanks.
• Headline: West Europe Banks Offer Czechs Long-Term Credit; WESTERN CREDITS OFFERED CZECHS. Impact: Western banks offering long-term credit to Czechs unintentionally set off a financial trend where everyone thought they could borrow their way to the top; spoiler alert: it didn't work out so well for most. Fact: The Czechs were so excited about long-term credit that they nearly renamed their currency 'Credit-znak' in a fit of optimism.
• Headline: TWO JUSTICES NAMED; Rockefeller Fills Upstate Posts in Appellate Bench. Impact: Rockefeller's judicial appointments led to a future where judges felt the need to be more relatable, eventually resulting in 'Judge Judy' becoming a cultural icon. Fact: Filling judicial posts is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle—except the pieces often think they know better than the picture on the box.
• Headline: Adenauer and an Aide Slip Up Again Before Open Microphone; OPEN MICROPHONE TRAPS ADENAUER. Impact: Adenauer's microphone mishap showed the world just how quickly political gaffes could go viral—if only social media had existed back then, we would have had memes before memes were cool. Fact: This incident taught future politicians to always assume they're on mic, which is why we now have so many awkward apologies.