NOVEMBER 28, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Military Ballots Secure Griffing's Re-election. Impact: If only a few more ballots had been lost, perhaps we'd be living in a world where Supervisor Griffing was replaced by a cat. Think about it: Mayor Whiskers, the first feline to run a town. Purrs for votes!. Fact: Absentee voting: because who doesn't want to make their civic duty more complicated? Maybe we should just vote via carrier pigeon next time..
• Headline: Exploring Milton F. Rodney's Legacy. Impact: Milton F. Rodney may have been just another name in the archives, but his 513ccla designation could very well be a secret code for time travelers to locate hidden treasures. Or it's just bureaucratic nonsense. Your pick.. Fact: 513ccla? Sounds like a Wi-Fi password rather than a headline. Maybe we should start using that format for social security numbers!.
• Headline: Polish Party's Caution Against Competition. Impact: Gomulka's warning might have stirred things up more than he anticipated. History could have taken a wild turn if peasants had decided that competing with the Reds was their best option - leading to a communist farmer's market!. Fact: Warning peasants not to compete with Reds? I've heard of trying to keep the peace, but this is like telling cats not to chase mice. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Artur Rubinstein; Pianist Pays Tribute to Villa-Lobos. Impact: Artur Rubinstein paying tribute to Villa-Lobos could have ignited a musical revolution, where classical music became the soundtrack for every action film. Imagine Beethoven's Fifth during a car chase!. Fact: Pianists paying tribute: the original way to get likes before social media. Just wait until they start live-streaming their recitals!.
• Headline: PERCY F. ALBEE, 74, PAINTER OF MURALS. Impact: Percy F. Albee's murals could have inspired a future generation of artists, leading to a world where every wall is adorned with questionable interpretations of modern life. Just imagine being stuck in a room with a giant mural of a cat on a rainbow.. Fact: Mural painters: the original influencers, long before Instagram made everyone think they could do it too. Spoiler alert: you can’t..
• Headline: Belgian Goes to Ruanda-Urundi. Impact: The Belgian's trip to Ruanda-Urundi could have resulted in a new trend of colonial tourism that would have turned into a bizarre reality show. 'Survivor: Colonial Edition' anyone?. Fact: Traveling to far-off lands in the 1950s: because who needs a vacation that's not steeped in history and awkward colonial guilt?.
• Headline: Afghan to Visit Pakistan. Impact: If the Afghan minister's visit to Pakistan had gone awry, we could have ended up with a wild series of diplomatic 'game of telephone' incidents that would put our modern political debates to shame.. Fact: Diplomacy in the 20th century: a bit like trying to solve a Rubik's cube blindfolded. Good luck with that!.
• Headline: REV. HENRY C. BEDFORD. Impact: Rev. Henry C. Bedford could have sparked a movement to make Sundays the official day for all things brunch, altering the course of culinary history forever. No one would be able to resist a good mimosa!. Fact: Reverends and brunch: the original influencers of Sunday fun days. Just don't ask them to pick up your tab!.
• Headline: MIKOYAN, IN MEXICO, DEFENDS RED POLICY. Impact: Mikoyan defending USSR policies in Mexico might have created a bizarre alternate reality where communism became the hip new trend for college students. #ProletariatPride.. Fact: Defending communism on TV: because nothing says 'I love the people' like a public relations disaster waiting to happen!.
• Headline: UNION VOTE BACKS PACT AT CON EDISON. Impact: The ratification of the pact at Con Edison could have led to a bizarre butterfly effect, where all utility workers became union leaders, eventually leading to a world ruled by electrical codes and safety regulations.. Fact: Utility workers might just be the most underrated superheroes. Who else can turn on the lights and save you from a dark, scary room?.