NOVEMBER 27, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Surgeon General's Stance on Cigarette Filters. Impact: This revelation about cigarette filters not working could have led to a world where people began smoking kale instead. The health craze would have peaked in the 70s, and we'd be living in a society where kale chips are a primary source of lung protection.. Fact: Did you know that the Surgeon General's office is basically the party pooper of the tobacco industry? They really know how to ruin a good smoke..
• Headline: Buenos Aires and Rio Forge Trade Agreements. Impact: Had this trade pact not happened, it’s likely that South American countries would have resorted to interpretive dance as their primary form of trade negotiation. Imagine bartering oranges for tango lessons!. Fact: In the world of trade pacts, the average volume of $200 million a year is just enough to fund a small country's coffee addiction..
• Headline: Doctor-Rebel-Banker. Impact: This headline hints at the existence of a multi-talented individual that could have inspired a new superhero: Doctor-Rebel-Banker! With the power to heal the economy and start revolutions, who needs a cape?. Fact: With such a title, this person probably had more identity crises than a teenager on social media..
• Headline: Princeton to Raise Salaries of Faculty By $500 to $1,000. Impact: If Princeton hadn't raised faculty salaries, we might have seen a mass migration of professors to the 'lesser' colleges, leading to a renaissance in community college education. Imagine the knowledge explosion!. Fact: A $500 raise sounds generous until you realize it’s only half the price of a decent coffee machine in their faculty lounge..
• Headline: Ex-U.N. Diplomat Found Dead; Shooting Held 'Obvious' Suicide; DIPLOMAT CALLED APPARENT SUICIDE. Impact: P Bang-Jensen's tragic death may have inspired a series of conspiracy theories about the UN, leading to a world where every diplomat carries a tinfoil hat instead of a briefcase.. Fact: Turns out, refusing to divulge names of refugees can be more dangerous than a game of dodgeball at a UN gathering..
• Headline: Leftist Named President Of Cuba's National Bank; LEFTIST IS NAMED CUBAN BANK CHIEF. Impact: The appointment of a leftist as bank chief in Cuba could have sparked a global trend of left-leaning economic policies, resulting in a world where all banks offered free lollipops and community workshops on sharing.. Fact: In Cuba, being a bank chief with leftist views is basically like being the coolest kid in a school of nerds. Everyone wants to be your friend!.
• Headline: Huxley Predicts New Ideology Founded on Facts of Evolution; HUXLEY PREDICTS A NEW IDEOLOGY. Impact: Huxley's prediction of a new ideology based on evolution could have led to a world where 'survival of the fittest' was a literal guide for daily life, resulting in some very awkward neighborhood interactions.. Fact: Huxley predicting a new ideology means he probably invented the first hipster philosophy: 'I believed in evolution before it was cool.'.
• Headline: U. S. MISSIONARY SLAIN; Teacher in a Tokyo University Beaten by Two Students. Impact: The murder of a missionary could have triggered a global movement to protect educators, leading to the establishment of 'No Educator Left Behind' policies, albeit with a decidedly dark origin story.. Fact: Teaching in Tokyo just got a lot more dangerous. Who knew academia could be as risky as a high-speed chase?.