NOVEMBER 13, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Biologist Joins French Académie Française. Impact: This biologist's acceptance into the French Academy of Sciences sparked an obsession with immortality that led to the rise of bizarre youth elixirs, causing a spike in sales of kale smoothies and a surge in the popularity of overpriced facial creams. Somewhere in the future, people are still trying to figure out how to live forever, but they just end up with really good skin.. Fact: Did you know that the French Academy of Sciences has had members who were actual immortals? Just kidding! But wouldn't that make a great sci-fi plot?.
• Headline: Breakthrough Leukemia Treatments Announced. Impact: The development of these drugs not only revolutionized cancer treatment but also kick-started the conspiracy theory that big pharma is hiding the ultimate cure to sell more drugs. Spoiler alert: it’s kale.. Fact: Did you know that leukemia was once thought to be caused by bad vibes? Thankfully, science has moved on to better explanations..
• Headline: ENVOY HAILS AVIATION; Chilean Ambassador to U. N. Calls It North-South Link. Impact: This statement ignited a series of diplomatic discussions that eventually led to the creation of the 'Airline Loyalty Card'—a program designed to reward frequent flyers for their patience while waiting for delayed flights.. Fact: Airlines love to say they're connecting the world, but really, they’re just connecting you to endless layovers and overpriced snacks..
• Headline: RISE IS REPORTED IN TV SET SALES; 9-Month Gains Also Noted in Picture Tubes and Radios. Impact: The increase in sales led to the explosion of reality TV, which has since convinced society that watching strangers live their lives is a valid form of entertainment. Spoiler: it’s not.. Fact: Fun fact: The first TV commercial was for a watch. Ironically, no one was watching when it aired..
• Headline: ATOMIC WASTE LEAKS; Mishap at Oak Ridge Project Is Held Not Dangerous. Impact: This incident caused a momentary panic, leading to the creation of a new hobby called 'Radioactive Gardening.' People are still waiting for their glow-in-the-dark tomatoes to grow.. Fact: Did you know that Oak Ridge was once home to some of the most advanced research in nuclear science? Now it’s just a great place to find a weird glow at night..
• Headline: MEYNER TO SEEK U. S. AID FOR RAILS; He Says Alternative Is New State Tax to Subsidize Vital Commuter Lines. Impact: This plea for federal aid set off a chain reaction of bureaucratic red tape that resulted in the creation of the 'Commuter Tax'—a phenomenon that people still complain about while trapped on their way to work.. Fact: Commuter lines are like life: sometimes you just have to sit in traffic and contemplate your choices..
• Headline: VANDALISM IN STRIKE; Paint Bombs, Rocks Thrown Into Homes in Detroit. Impact: This event became a rallying cry for union organizers, resulting in a series of protests that inadvertently led to the invention of the 'Paintball Tournament'—who knew that vandalism could inspire sporting events?. Fact: In Detroit, throwing paint bombs is probably the most artistic thing someone can do during a strike. Just saying..
• Headline: Truce in London-Dublin Dispute Will Split Noted Art Collection; IRISH TO GET LOAN OF DISPUTED ART. Impact: This agreement not only resolved a long-standing dispute but also set the stage for a never-ending debate over which country has the better art. Spoiler: It’s all subjective. But the Irish will fight you for their pint of Guinness.. Fact: Art theft and disputes are so common that there should be a reality show called 'Art Wars: Who Gets the Painting?'.