NOVEMBER 12, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: Michigan G.O.P. Proposes New Tax Package. Impact: This little tax package was like tossing a pebble into a pond, but that pond turned out to be a raging river of bureaucracy, leading to an endless cycle of tax debates for decades to come. Who knew a simple vote could lead to the never-ending saga of tax season nightmares?. Fact: In a shocking twist, politicians still argue over taxes today, proving that the only thing more eternal than life itself is a good old-fashioned tax debate.
• Headline: Chromalloy Corp's Strategic Acquisition. Impact: Chromalloy Corp. acquiring something was like watching a giant vacuum cleaner suck up all the competition, only to leave behind a trail of confused employees and shareholders wondering what just happened. This acquisition led to the creation of even more confusing corporate jargon for the unsuspecting public. Fact: Chromalloy's name sounds like a futuristic alloy from a sci-fi movie, but it’s really just a reminder that corporate mergers are the adult version of playing with LEGO blocks.
• Headline: R.P.I. Grants Fellowships to Teachers. Impact: Offering fellowships sounds great, but it led to an unintended consequence of teachers getting way too comfortable in the teacher's lounge, leading to a spike in coffee consumption and lounge gossip. A true revelation in the world of education. Fact: Fellowships for teachers are like candy for kids—everyone wants them, but only a few actually get to enjoy them.
• Headline: Demand on Coast Slight. Impact: Ah, the demand drop. This headline sent shockwaves through the market, causing economists to panic and stockpiles of unsold goods to gather dust. This event initiated a chain reaction where sellers had to resort to 'going out of business sales' that lasted until the end of time. Fact: When demand drops, the only thing that tends to rise is the bar tab at the local pub where economists are drowning their sorrows.
• Headline: Article 2 -- No Title. Impact: The call for a Congressional probe into featherbedding ads led to a series of investigations that eventually resulted in Congress achieving the level of efficiency of a sloth on a Sunday stroll. This event ensured that featherbedding became the hottest topic since sliced bread—or maybe even since the last time Congress actually agreed on something. Fact: Featherbedding isn’t just a comfy bedspread; it’s also a term for practices that could put even the laziest of cats to shame.
• Headline: Liquor Unit Elects President. Impact: The liquor unit electing a president was a momentous occasion, sparking a series of 'presidential' cocktail parties that would make even the most seasoned politicians blush. This event led to the establishment of 'happy hour' as a recognized form of diplomacy. Fact: If politicians spent half as much time governing as they do at happy hour, we might actually get something done around here.
• Headline: PORTICO UNVEILED ON PRINCETON SITE; On Battlefield of 1777 It Honors the Common Grave of Americans and British. Impact: The unveiling of the portico was like the historical version of putting a giant statue of a cat in your front yard. It led to a newfound appreciation for memorials, causing people to accidentally trip over their own history as they tried to take selfies with it. Fact: This dedication became a popular site for history buffs and confused tourists alike, proving that memorials also double as great backdrops for Instagram photos.