OCTOBER 17, 1959

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.O.P. Blocks Democrats from Budget Hearings. Impact: This denial of fiscal discourse led to a series of increasingly ridiculous budget proposals over the years, culminating in the infamous 'Shoe Repair Fund' that had everyone scratching their heads in the 90s. Who knew a lack of dialogue could lead to fiscal fashion disasters?. Fact: Did you know that budget hearings are basically just like family dinners? Everyone argues, nobody listens, and somehow dessert gets forgotten..
• Headline: Distinct Encephalitis Strain Strikes Long Island. Impact: This encephalitis incident sparked a massive public health campaign, which accidentally led to the invention of the world's first 'Disease-Free Zone' bumper sticker. The irony? The zones were never truly disease-free.. Fact: Fun fact: Encephalitis is a fancy way of saying 'your brain is having a bad day.'.
• Headline: Mueller Co. Allegations of Illegal Payments. Impact: This denial led to a decade-long investigation into union finances, which eventually resulted in the creation of the 'Trust Us, We're Honest' union motto. Spoiler alert: it didn't help.. Fact: Did you know that denying illegal pay is like denying you ate the last cookie? Everyone knows you did, but no one wants to confront the issue..
• Headline: NEGRO STUDENTS SET TO PICKET BARBERS. Impact: The picketing led to a wave of social awareness that somehow influenced the invention of the 'barber chair for all' – a wildly popular yet completely impractical idea that took over college campuses.. Fact: Fun fact: Historically, barbers were also surgeons. So next time you're in a barber's chair, just remember: that haircut could come with a side of bloodletting..
• Headline: 5 EXPERTS DEBATE JOHN BROWN RAID; Panel Reflects on Venture That Took Place 100 Years Ago at Harpers Ferry. Impact: This debate over John Brown's raid reignited interest in civil rights, culminating in every college campus having a 'John Brown Day' where students could reenact the raid in the name of social justice. Because nothing says 'progress' like dressing up in historical costumes.. Fact: Did you know that John Brown's raid was so controversial it could have its own reality show? 'Keeping Up with the Abolitionists,' anyone?.
• Headline: PLEA FOR CHURCH TIES; World Council Aide Decries American Neglect Abroad. Impact: The plea for church ties ultimately led to a rise in ecumenical potluck dinners, where various denominations battled it out over who made the best potato salad. Spoiler: it was always the Methodists.. Fact: Did you know that the World Council of Churches once considered adding a 'Best Potato Salad' award? But then they realized they couldn't agree on the criteria..
• Headline: INQUIRY IN SUFFOLK WILL BE EXTENDED; Recent Convictions and New Indictments Said to Lead to Governor's Decision SUFFOLK INQUIRY TO BE EXTENDED. Impact: Extending the inquiry led to a new trend in political investigations, where every minor scandal was scrutinized more than a high school term paper. This resulted in the invention of the term 'conveniently extended.'. Fact: Fun fact: Inquiries often extend longer than family road trips, and just like those, someone usually ends up lost and confused..
• Headline: Psychiatrists Honor Two. Impact: The psychiatry awards sparked a trend in naming medical conditions after award winners, leading to the now-famous 'Sargant Syndrome' which is characterized by excessive talking and too much coffee.. Fact: Did you know that psychiatrists might just be the only professionals who can charge you for telling them your problems? What a business model!.
• Headline: Books of The Times. Impact: The release of 'Abraham Lincoln: A New Portrait' led to the questionable trend of historical figures being depicted as hipsters, influencing everything from fashion to beard styles for years to come.. Fact: Did you know Lincoln was once voted 'Best Dressed Man in the 1860s'? He might have been a bit ahead of his time in the fashion department..
• Headline: C. B. S. Drops TV Quizzes; Stanton Sees Industry Hurt; 3 Big-Money Shows Canceled, but No Evidence of Wrongdoing Is Cited -- Loss of Public Confidence Noted BIG-CASH QUIZZES DROPPED BY C.B.S.. Impact: The cancellation of TV quizzes triggered a nationwide crisis of confidence in game shows, leading to the rise of reality TV where the only quiz was 'Who can embarrass themselves the most?'. Fact: Did you know the real reason for dropping TV quizzes? They realized no one actually knew the answers, and they were tired of giving out consolation prizes..