MARCH 24, 2025

Full News Archive

• Headline: Denzel and Gyllenhaal Star in Othello. Impact: If Denzel's Othello had been a smash hit, Hollywood might have shifted its entire focus to Shakespeare adaptations, leading to a bizarre future where every blockbuster is a historical play. Imagine the Avengers in iambic pentameter!. Fact: Did you know Shakespeare wrote Othello in 1603? So if Denzel's performance had been any more 'starry', we might have had to start calling it 'Shakespeare's Marvel'..
• Headline: Angelina Jolie's Artistic Community Initiative. Impact: Jolie’s community of artists could spark the next cultural revolution, where everyone suddenly decides that being a 'thinker' means sharing memes and calling it art. Thanks, Andy!. Fact: Fun fact: Warhol once said, 'In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.' Sounds like he underestimated Instagram influencers, huh?.
• Headline: Republicans Embrace Child Investment Initiatives. Impact: This 'bipartisan agreement' could lead to a future where kids actually get the education and support they need, resulting in a generation of well-adjusted adults who might even vote. The horror!. Fact: Did you know that investing in children has been scientifically proven to yield higher returns than investing in tax breaks for billionaires? Shocking, I know!.
• Headline: Potatoes, Shrimp and Teslas: Exporters Vie to Shape Trump’s Tariffs. Impact: If Trump’s tariffs had gone through as planned, a future where shrimp and potatoes became the new currency might have led to a bizarre economic climate where seafood restaurants were the new banks. Bon appétit!. Fact: Did you know that the potato was once so valuable in Europe that it was considered 'food for the gods'? Too bad the gods weren't around to negotiate tariffs!.
• Headline: Toyota Was Bullish on Trump. Then Came the Tariff Threats.. Impact: Had Toyota not altered its optimism, we might have seen a world where car manufacturers were building vehicles in the U.S. from imported parts, resulting in a new era of 'American' cars that are, ironically, more foreign than a European vacation.. Fact: Fun fact: The term 'bullish' comes from the way bulls attack—by thrusting their horns upward. So, essentially, Toyota was just asking for a hornet's nest of tariffs!.