FEBRUARY 11, 2025

Full News Archive

• Headline: Microbes, Controversy, and New Discoveries. Impact: If Felisa Wolfe-Simon had successfully discovered alien life, the internet would have exploded — literally — and humanity would probably be negotiating intergalactic treaties over Zoom by now. But instead, we just argue about whether pineapple belongs on pizza.. Fact: Did you know that arsenic is more famous for its role in murder mysteries than in microbial research? Guess Felisa missed the memo on the whole 'being boring' thing..
• Headline: Trump's Language Against Transgender Identity. Impact: Trump's war on language would eventually lead to a dystopian future where the words 'freedom' and 'justice' are banned, replaced by 'alternative facts' and 'fake news.' Who knew the real danger was just a thesaurus away?. Fact: Fun fact: the word 'maiming' was originally intended to describe a dramatic fashion statement in medieval times. Just kidding, it’s always been about injury—who needs context?.
• Headline: Fed Chair Powell Addresses Rate Decisions. Impact: Jerome Powell's lack of urgency somehow led to a bizarre time loop where inflation is always a year away from being a crisis. It’s like watching a really boring soap opera where every episode ends with 'To Be Continued…'. Fact: Did you know that the Federal Reserve has its own secret language? It involves a lot of jargon that sounds impressive but ultimately means 'we're winging it.'.
• Headline: Is It Made of Metal? It Could Get More Expensive Under Trump’s Latest Tariffs.. Impact: Trump's tariffs on metal set off a chain reaction that caused car prices to skyrocket, leading to a nationwide crisis where people had to choose between a new car or a lifetime supply of beer. Spoiler alert: the beer won!. Fact: Did you know that beer is sometimes referred to as 'liquid bread'? So, really, you could say Trump's tariffs were a war on carbohydrate enthusiasts everywhere..
• Headline: How Trump’s Canadian Oil Tariff Would Hit America’s Heartland. Impact: The proposed Canadian oil tariff pushed U.S. refineries to cut production, which resulted in a bizarre situation where Americans had to start rationing gasoline like it was World War II. Who knew Trump was secretly trying to bring back the good old days?. Fact: Fun fact: tariffs are like the world's worst game of dodgeball—everyone's trying to avoid getting hit while simultaneously throwing their own balls at each other, and nobody's really winning..