JULY 15, 2024

Full News Archive

• Headline: N.C.A.A. Football Game Returns After 11 Years. Impact: The resurrection of the NCAA Football video game sparked a chain reaction that led to the creation of a futuristic league where players are paid in cryptocurrency, confusing everyone over the age of 40 and leading to a rise in pro-football-themed NFTs. Because, of course, that’s where humanity was headed.. Fact: Fun fact: The first time video game players were paid, it was just a handful of candy bars. Progress, am I right?.
• Headline: The Truth Behind Cord Blood Banking. Impact: Parents believing in the miracle of cord blood banking inadvertently created a generation who might just be too smart for their own good. As they grow up, they'll form a society that questions everything, leading to a future where no one trusts anything – including pizza delivery.. Fact: Did you know cord blood is more useful for making your kid a millionaire in the future than for curing diseases? Just ask the parents who are now doing stock trading instead of saving for college..
• Headline: Victoria Beckham Has Learned to Smile. Impact: Victoria Beckham's newfound ability to smile will lead to a renaissance in the fashion industry, inspiring a trend of 'happy' fashion shows that completely ignore the real-world problems of the world. Expect colors and happiness to overshadow any actual issues.. Fact: Did you know that smiling is contagious? It's also a great way to distract from your existential dread..
• Headline: By Burning Down Buildings, Insurers Want to Change How They’re Built. Impact: Insurers burning down buildings to change construction standards will lead to a bizarre future where architects are also part-time pyromaniacs, creating a new genre of building that’s both avant-garde and a fire hazard. Who knew the future would be so flammable?. Fact: Fun fact: The last time buildings were burned for safety standards, it led to the Great Fire of London. Oops, history does have a way of repeating itself!.