JUNE 14, 2024

Full News Archive

• Headline: Baptists and G.O.P. Divergence on I.V.F.. Impact: If Baptists had embraced IVF, we might have a future where they invent a machine that makes holy water from tap water, leading to a global shortage of actual holy water. Thanks, Kentucky!. Fact: Did you know that the Southern Baptist Convention once debated whether pet goldfish go to heaven? Talk about prioritizing the important issues!.
• Headline: In-Person Connection Hotspots in NYC. Impact: The rise of in-person meetings could lead to the end of dating app developers, resulting in a dystopian future where swiping left or right is replaced by awkward eye contact at a bar.. Fact: Did you know that in 2020, people were swiping so much that they practically invented a new form of cardio? Now we just need a gym that offers 'swipe fitness' classes!.
• Headline: F.A.A. Probe into Questionable Titanium Supply. Impact: This scandal could lead to a future where all aircraft are made from recycled soda cans, because who needs safety when you can be eco-friendly, right?. Fact: Did you know that titanium is so strong, it was used in the construction of SpaceX rockets? So, uh, let’s hope Elon Musk isn't getting his materials from the same place Boeing and Airbus did!.
• Headline: Where the N.B.A. Sees Its Future. Impact: If the NBA's African expansion succeeds, we could see a future where basketball is played on the moon, and all games are broadcast with a 30-minute delay due to space travel logistics.. Fact: Did you know that the NBA's biggest fan base is in China? Bet they can't wait for the day when they can buy jerseys with actual names on them instead of just 'Player A'!.
• Headline: Tony Predictions: Expect Wins for ‘Merrily We Roll Along’ and ‘Stereophonic’. Impact: If Sondheim's flop becomes a hit, we might witness a musical renaissance where every failed Broadway show gets a second chance, leading to a bizarre reality where even your cat's meows are turned into a Tony-nominated musical.. Fact: Did you know that Sondheim once said, 'The worst thing that you can do is be boring'? So, of course, Broadway is now filled with sequels and remakes—because originality is overrated!.