DECEMBER 20, 2022

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Challenges Amid Jan. 6 Revelations. Impact: If Trump had just taken up knitting instead of politics, we might have avoided the whole 'alternative facts' era, leading to a world where 'fake news' is just a bad memory and people actually trust the media.. Fact: Did you know that if you rearranged the letters in 'Trump,' you could almost spell 'Murt,' which is what many people feel like after reading the news?.
• Headline: Broadway's Take on Real Estate Hustle. Impact: If more people embraced the hustles portrayed in 'Between Riverside and Crazy,' we might have a nation of real estate moguls and fewer reality TV stars. Imagine the chaos at the next property auction!. Fact: Fun fact: Broadway shows are 97% more likely to succeed if they feature at least one dramatic real estate deal. It's practically a law of the universe!.
• Headline: Spending Bill Progress Amid Shutdown Threat. Impact: If lawmakers had prioritized something other than funding, like, say, universal happiness or a magic wand, we could have avoided the annual 'Government Shutdown Olympics' that has been entertaining us for years.. Fact: Did you know that 'sprawling spending bill' is just bureaucratese for 'let's throw money at this problem and hope it goes away'?.
• Headline: One Day With an Ambulance in Britain: Long Waits, Rising Frustration. Impact: The ambulance crisis might lead to people inventing 'ambulance yoga'—a new trend where you stretch your patience while waiting for help. Who knew emergency services could be so relaxing?. Fact: Did you know that in Britain, the only thing longer than an ambulance wait is the line at the pub on a Friday night?.
• Headline: A Secret Society Tied to the Underground Railroad Fights to Save Its Home. Impact: If the United Order of Tents loses their headquarters, it could lead to a nationwide trend of secret societies holding their meetings in increasingly bizarre locations—think 'Fight Club' meets 'Book Club' in a treehouse.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'saving their home' is often code for 'let's throw a very extravagant bake sale' in community activism?.