SEPTEMBER 18, 2022

Full News Archive

• Headline: Shifts in Latino Voter Preferences Revealed. Impact: This poll result caused a panic in GOP headquarters, leading them to introduce a new taco-themed campaign, which ironically led to a spike in taco consumption but not a single vote. The butterfly flapped its wings, and now we have taco trucks on every corner, but not a single Latino voter in sight.. Fact: Fun fact: The GOP's taco truck strategy was so unsuccessful that they had to change their slogan to 'Vote for Us, We Promise Not to Steal Your Tacos.'.
• Headline: New Covid Boosters: A Timely Update. Impact: The introduction of new Covid boosters triggered a national debate over whether people would prefer a vaccine or a life of perpetual Netflix binging. As it turns out, the choice led to an unexpected rise in couch potato championships.. Fact: Did you know that 87% of Americans believe binge-watching is a form of cardio? Just kidding. But it’s a good excuse for avoiding vaccines!.
• Headline: Risks of Student Loan Subsidy Programs. Impact: The concerns over student loan subsidies opened a Pandora's box of unscrupulous schools, leading to a new reality show: 'Who Wants to Be in Debt?' Contestants compete for the worst financial advice possible, and the winner gets a lifetime of regret.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'student loans' is derived from the Latin word 'suckers'? Just kidding, but it might as well be!.
• Headline: Apple Shot an Oscar Contender Starring Will Smith. That Was Before the Slap.. Impact: After the slap heard 'round the world, Apple's decision on the film led to a frenzy of conspiracy theories about a secret Will Smith clone. Now, people are convinced that every celebrity is actually a replicant, leading to a newfound distrust of the Hollywood elite.. Fact: Did you know that Apple was going to promote the film with an 'Emancipation' themed iPhone case? They scrapped it, fearing people might confuse it with a phone designed to 'free' them from their bills..
• Headline: Echoing Trump, These Republicans Won’t Promise to Accept 2022 Results. Impact: The refusal of Republican nominees to accept election results sparked a national movement for a new game show: 'Will They or Won't They?' Contestants must guess which political leaders will accept defeat gracefully. Spoiler: the answer is always 'no.'. Fact: Did you know that accepting election results is now a rare skill? It’s like finding a unicorn in a field of donkeys—nearly impossible!.