SEPTEMBER 1, 2022

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pandemic's Impact on Children's Education. Impact: When kids stopped learning math and reading, they accidentally invented a new language based on emojis. By 2045, diplomats communicate exclusively through pixelated fruit and animals.. Fact: Did you know that while kids were struggling with math, TikTok influencers were busy calculating how many followers they need to monetize their cat videos? Priorities!.
• Headline: Biden's Warning on Trump Extremism. Impact: Biden's warning sparked a nationwide debate, leading to a mandatory 'extremism awareness' class. By 2030, students were required to write essays on the dangers of wearing socks with sandals.. Fact: Fun fact: Politicians love to warn us about threats that are often just fancy euphemisms for 'someone else has a different opinion!'.
• Headline: Exploring 'The Rings of Power' Review. Impact: The review inspired a secret cult of fantasy writers to form, leading to a new genre called 'Epic Fluff.' By 2035, all epic tales must include at least one talking animal sidekick.. Fact: Did you know that 'The Rings of Power' was originally pitched as 'The Rings of Mediocre,' but the title was deemed too honest?.
• Headline: Why Do Some People in New Jersey Suddenly Have Bags and Bags of Bags?. Impact: The plastic bag ban caused a nationwide crisis of identity, as people began hoarding reusable bags like they were gold. By 2028, bag collectors were considered the new aristocracy.. Fact: Did you know that in New Jersey, the phrase 'I have a bag for that' has officially replaced 'I have a plan' in political campaigns?.
• Headline: An Apple Watch for Your 5-Year-Old? More Parents Say Yes.. Impact: The trend of kids sporting Apple Watches led to a new fashion statement where 5-year-olds became the most tech-savvy group on the planet. By 2040, they were running startup companies from their treehouses.. Fact: Fun fact: With great power comes great responsibility, which is why 5-year-olds are now the leading experts in negotiating snack time..