JULY 16, 2022

Full News Archive

• Headline: Putin's Educational Reforms for Loyalty. Impact: By rewriting history, Putin's educational reforms will create a generation convinced that he was the one who invented the Internet, leading to a future where everyone believes he single-handedly defeated the West with superior math skills and a pet bear.. Fact: Did you know that in Russia, history classes now include a unit on how Putin single-handedly saved the world from global warming by riding a horse shirtless? No? Well, that's about to change!.
• Headline: Tracy Britt Cool's New Venture. Impact: Tracy Britt Cool's decision to break away may have set off a chain reaction where every protégé of a wealthy investor feels empowered to start their own firm, resulting in a future filled with 'entrepreneurial' TikTok stars hawking candles made from recycled profit margins.. Fact: Did you know Warren Buffett once advised that the best investment is in yourself? Apparently, that means having a really good exit strategy when your boss has a legendary mustache..
• Headline: Pandemic's Economic Shockwaves Explained. Impact: The economic shock from the pandemic could lead to a future where people start hoarding toilet paper again, thinking it's a form of currency, sparking a bizarre barter system based around bathroom essentials.. Fact: Did you know that economists have secretly theorized toilet paper could be the next Bitcoin? It's soft, absorbent, and definitely worth something during a pandemic!.
• Headline: Did Nature Heal During the Pandemic ‘Anthropause’?. Impact: The 'Anthropause' may lead to a future where animals band together to establish their own rights, possibly resulting in a global movement where squirrels demand their own political party and owls become the new intellectual elite.. Fact: Did you know that during the Anthropause, dolphins were reportedly spotted holding underwater dance parties? Because who needs humans when you've got a sea of freedom?.
• Headline: What New Abortion Bans Mean for the Youngest Patients. Impact: The debate over abortion bans might inadvertently lead to a future where children's rights become a hot topic, resulting in 10-year-olds forming a political party to demand their say in matters that affect their own lives, while simultaneously advocating for nap time.. Fact: Did you know that the youngest patient seeking an abortion could easily qualify for a 'Most Responsible Kid' award? Because apparently, adulthood is now just a formality!.