MAY 28, 2022

Full News Archive

• Headline: N.R.A. Convention Focuses on 'Evil' Over Guns. Impact: This could lead to a future where 'Evil' is officially recognized as a legal entity, resulting in countless lawsuits and a new branch of law dedicated to prosecuting it. Imagine lawyers arguing in court about the moral implications of blaming 'Evil' for all sorts of things, from bad hair days to missed deadlines.. Fact: Did you know that blaming 'Evil' is a classic diversion technique? It's like saying, 'No, officer, I wasn't speeding; my car just really wanted to get to that donut shop!'.
• Headline: Navigating N.Y.C. Apartment Hunting Today. Impact: The struggles of finding an apartment may eventually lead to a new reality show: 'Survivor: New York Apartment Edition.' Contestants will endure challenges like bidding wars and negotiating with landlords who think their studios are 'luxury lofts.'. Fact: Fun fact: The average rent in NYC could fund an entire small nation's GDP for a year. Who knew living in a closet could be so economically stimulating?.
• Headline: Times Square at Its Overcrowded, Dizzying Worst Is Exactly What N.Y.C. Needs. Impact: If Times Square becomes even more crowded, it could lead to the invention of a new sport: 'Extreme Tourist Dodging.' Competitors will have to navigate through swarms of selfie sticks while trying to reach a hotdog stand.. Fact: Did you know that Times Square is the only place where you can get a better view of a billboard than the actual attractions? Who knew capitalism could be so flashy?.