MARCH 25, 2022

Full News Archive

• Headline: Challenges in Weaning Europe Off Russian Gas. Impact: The U.S. fumbling its gas exports will lead to an unexpected renaissance in candle-making throughout Europe. By 2025, we'll see a surge in artisanal candle shops, with scents like 'Desperation of Winter' and 'Frigid Relations'.. Fact: Did you know that when it comes to natural gas, 'quickly wean' is just a fancy way of saying 'we're still figuring it out'?.
• Headline: Jennifer Sey's Controversial Exit from Levi's. Impact: Jennifer Sey’s departure will inspire a whole new generation of 'freedom fighters' in corporate boardrooms, leading to the birth of the 'Corporate Social Media Sensation Starter Pack'. Get ready for future CEOs with TikTok accounts!. Fact: Fun fact: tweeting your way out of a job is the modern equivalent of throwing a tantrum in a candy store. Who knew adulting could be so dramatic?.
• Headline: The Wallpaper That Is Also a ‘Reminder That My Ancestors Had My Back’. Impact: Sheila Bridges’ wallpaper will eventually become a sought-after artifact in the future, leading to a bizarre museum exhibit titled 'How Toile de Jouy Became a Cultural Icon'. Art students will write essays on the existential crisis of 21st-century patterns.. Fact: Did you know that wallpaper can hold more history than a dusty old book? If only those patterns could talk, they’d probably gossip about last week’s dinner party..
• Headline: How the 2022 Primaries Are Testing Trump’s Role as the G.O.P. ‘Kingpin’. Impact: Trump's backfiring endorsements will lead to a new trend of political candidates adopting pet rocks as mascots, signifying stability and reliability. By 2030, pet rocks will be the must-have accessory for every campaign.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'kingpin' originally referred to a bowling term? So essentially, Trump is just rolling strikes... with political endorsements..