DECEMBER 23, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Supreme Court's High-Stakes Vaccine Hearing. Impact: This hearing set off a chain reaction that led to every American suddenly becoming an expert on constitutional law, while simultaneously forgetting how to read a thermometer. Who knew lawyers could get so much airtime?. Fact: Did you know that the Supreme Court has made decisions on everything from civil rights to the legality of hot dog eating contests? Makes you wonder what other important issues they might tackle next..
• Headline: Omicron Variant Shows Milder Effects. Impact: The discovery that Omicron was milder led to a global sigh of relief, which in turn fueled a surge in TikTok dances celebrating 'survival.' Who knew the fate of public health hinged on viral choreography?. Fact: Did you know that Omicron was just the latest in a long line of Greek letter variants? At this point, we should just start assigning them names based on horoscope signs..
• Headline: Delay in 500 Million COVID Tests Delivery. Impact: The delay in test distribution triggered a nationwide scavenger hunt for home tests, resulting in the rise of black-market test kits and a new reality show called 'Test Hunters: The Search for the Holy Swab.'. Fact: Did you know that 500 million tests would have been enough for each American to get tested multiple times? Too bad 'waiting' is now a national sport..
• Headline: Inflation Is High and Uncertainty Rampant as Economy Heads Into 2022. Impact: As inflation soared, people began hoarding everything from toilet paper to avocado toast, leading to the Great Avocado War of 2022—an event so catastrophic, it made the Hunger Games look like a picnic.. Fact: Did you know that inflation is just a fancy term for 'you used to be able to afford lunch but now you can’t'? Welcome to the club!.
• Headline: As Workers Gain Pay Leverage, Nonprofits Can’t Keep Up. Impact: With workers demanding more pay, many nonprofits turned to bake sales and car washes to fundraise, inadvertently creating a new reality where baking cupcakes became a legitimate career choice.. Fact: Did you know that nonprofits are now competing with Starbucks for talent? Next thing you know, they'll be offering 'frequent donor' rewards cards!.