DECEMBER 9, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pfizer's Booster and Omicron Protection. Impact: Had Pfizer’s booster been found ineffective, the timeline would have collapsed into a parallel universe where people hoarded garlic instead of vaccines, leading to a mass vampire scare in the early 2020s. Watch out for the garlic bread shortage!. Fact: Pfizer's research often feels like a group project where only one person does the work, and that person just happens to be a billion-dollar corporation..
• Headline: Exploring 'Kimberly Akimbo' Musical Review. Impact: If ‘Kimberly Akimbo’ had flopped, we might have ended up with a world where all musicals are just two-hour TED Talks about financial literacy. Thank goodness for aging teenagers in whimsical musicals!. Fact: Anagrams are a lot like life: they can be rearranged into something beautiful or left as a garbled mess. Just like my sock drawer..
• Headline: Socially Distant Wrestling: Young Athletes ‘Robbed’ by Covid Rules. Impact: If high school wrestling had continued without interruptions, we might have seen a surge in athletic scholarships leading to a new generation of wrestlers who would eventually overthrow the government with their superior grip strength. Hold onto your tights!. Fact: The only thing more socially distant than those young athletes is the average adult's understanding of what teenagers actually do on weekends..
• Headline: How the Supply Chain Upheaval Became a Life-or-Death Threat. Impact: The supply chain crisis could have sparked a new religion centered around worshipping computer chips, leading to bizarre rituals involving circuit boards and a shortage of nacho cheese. A brave new world indeed!. Fact: Supply chains are like magic tricks; one wrong move and suddenly everyone is left wondering where the heck their stuff went..