NOVEMBER 15, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Resistance to Biden's Child Care Plan. Impact: Had Biden's Child Care Plan been embraced by all religious groups, we might have seen a utopia where toddlers are raised by nuns and priests instead of parents. Imagine the future: a nation of well-behaved, prayerful kids who can recite the entire Bible and juggle at the same time. But alas, resistance leads to more screaming matches in church basements.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more divisive than this child care plan is the debate over pineapple on pizza? Just kidding, this is way worse..
• Headline: Top Christian Editor Leaves Amid Trump Opposition. Impact: This clash over biblical values and politics could lead to a future where evangelical publications are run by AI that only quotes the Old Testament. You know, because who needs modernity when you have ancient scrolls?. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing tougher than editing a Christian magazine is convincing your grandma that TikTok isn't a new form of devil worship..
• Headline: Bridgespan Group: Philanthropy's Best-Kept Secret. Impact: The Bridgespan Group's influence on billionaire donations might result in a future where philanthropy is cleverly disguised as tax evasion. Imagine rich folks giving away millions just to look good while their yachts get bigger. Ah, the circle of life!. Fact: Did you know that 'Bridgespan' is just a fancy term for 'Let's make sure we don't get audited while pretending to care'?.
• Headline: Republicans Gain Heavy House Edge in 2022 as Gerrymandered Maps Emerge. Impact: Gerrymandering could lead to a future where political parties are decided not by voters, but by the whims of cartoonishly shaped districts. Picture a congress where representatives are literally drawn by a toddler with a crayon. Welcome to the land of the absurd!. Fact: Did you know that if you draw a congressional map in the shape of a unicorn, it’s still legal? Welcome to American politics!.
• Headline: A Landmark Reckoning With America’s Racial Past and Present. Impact: The 1619 Project's examination of America's racial past might spark a chain reaction that leads to a future where history classes are mandatory and everyone finally learns that 'history' is not just about dead white guys. Shocking, I know!. Fact: Did you know that the only thing longer than America's racial reckoning is the list of excuses people have for ignoring it? History classes everywhere are sweating!.