AUGUST 8, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Leïla Slimani Explores Family Heritage. Impact: Leïla Slimani's novel inspires a wave of literary family dramas, leading to a bizarre trend where every family dinner ends in a dramatic reading of deeply unsettling memoirs.. Fact: Slimani's grandmother probably never expected her life story would be fodder for book clubs filled with wine and awkward silence..
• Headline: A.F.L.-C.I.O. at a Critical Juncture. Impact: Trumka's death sends the A.F.L.-C.I.O. into an existential crisis, leading to a legendary meeting where they accidentally create a new dance called 'The Political Shuffle' to decide their future.. Fact: It turns out, influencing political outcomes is much easier when you just throw glitter at the problem..
• Headline: Golden Gate Park: A Transformative Ban. Impact: The ban on cars in Golden Gate Park inadvertently sparks a nationwide cycling revolution, resulting in a dystopian future where bicycles are the main form of transportation and all museums become bike repair shops.. Fact: Museums mourning a decline in visitors are just mad they can't charge admission for a 'bicycle parking' experience..
• Headline: As R. Kelly’s Trial Begins, Here’s a Timeline of the Allegations. Impact: R. Kelly's trial creates a ripple that leads to an unexpected surge in public interest for courtroom dramas, eventually inspiring a new genre of 'real-life' reality TV that nobody asked for.. Fact: A timeline of allegations since 1996 is just a reminder that some people really do need better decision-making skills..
• Headline: Kathy Hochul, Cuomo’s No. 2, Prepares to Step Into the Limelight. Impact: Kathy Hochul stepping into the limelight inadvertently becomes the catalyst for women everywhere to realize they can also 'step into the limelight' while wearing pajamas.. Fact: Hochul's ascension to governor proves that sometimes the best way to get a promotion is to simply be in the right place when someone else gets booted..