JULY 27, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: NASA's Historic Lunar Rover Missions. Impact: Little did they know that this moon-roving joyride would lead to an intergalactic obsession with automotive brands. In the not-so-distant future, alien civilizations will be confused as to why Earthlings left behind a Ford Mustang instead of actual scientific instruments.. Fact: Did you know that the moon rover had better suspension than your average car? It’s a shame it didn't come with Bluetooth, or else we might have had moon rock mixtapes by now..
• Headline: Biden's Bid to Reclaim Latino Voters. Impact: This political maneuvering will ripple through history, leading to a future where politicians will start sending out personalized birthday cards to voters as a desperate tactic to win them over—because nothing says 'I care' like a Hallmark card.. Fact: Did you know that political parties have been known to take voters for granted? Shocking, I know! Next, they’ll be surprised that people don’t respond well to being treated like a disposable napkin..
• Headline: Rising Tensions Amidst Virus Surge. Impact: This moment marks the beginning of a timeline where social media becomes a battleground of blame, leading to the invention of a new sport: 'Vaccine-Related Shouting Matches,' with gold medals awarded for most creative insults.. Fact: Did you know that anger is not an FDA-approved side effect of the vaccine? But hey, it’s a free country, and at least it’s more exciting than any reality show!.
• Headline: Groceries in 10 Minutes: Delivery Start-Ups Crowd City Streets Across Globe. Impact: This craze will eventually evolve into a future where people are so impatient that they’ll demand their pizza be delivered by drone in 5 minutes or less—resulting in a worldwide pizza shortage and the rise of pizza pirates.. Fact: Did you know that the first grocery delivery service was started in 1907? And yet here we are, still arguing about whether bananas should be delivered in a paper bag or a reusable one..
• Headline: Why Beekeeping Is Booming in New York: ‘A Hive Is a Box of Calm’. Impact: The urban beekeeping trend will lead to a future where New Yorkers start holding yoga classes inside hives, leading to a bizarre fusion of meditation and honey-making. 'Namaste, and pass the honey, please.'. Fact: Did you know that honey never spoils? Just like your neighbor's unsolicited advice on beekeeping, it just keeps coming back!.