JUNE 21, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jon Rahm Wins His First U.S. Open. Impact: If Jon Rahm hadn't won, the butterfly effect would have led to a universe where golf is played with inflatable clubs and matches are held on roller coasters. A true tragedy averted.. Fact: Did you know that Jon Rahm's victory came after a COVID-19 positive test? Apparently, sports have become more dramatic than soap operas these days!.
• Headline: Tucker Carlson's Controversial Remarks on Journalists. Impact: Tucker Carlson calling journalists ‘animals’ set off a chain reaction leading to a zoo-themed news network where the anchors dress as their favorite beasts. Ratings skyrocketed!. Fact: Fun fact: Tucker Carlson's best source of information is himself. It's like asking a cat for advice on being a dog..
• Headline: Billionaires Influence NYC Mayoral Race. Impact: The influx of billionaire cash into the mayor's race paved the way for a future where mayors are elected based on their ability to juggle flaming swords while riding unicycles. A true accomplishment!. Fact: Did you know that in New York, the real competition isn’t about policies but who can throw the most extravagant parties with billionaire backers? It's like a reality show, but with actual consequences!.
• Headline: As Lumber Prices Fall, the Threat of Inflation Loses Its Bite. Impact: The drop in lumber prices triggered a nationwide panic where DIY enthusiasts started hoarding hammers and nails, leading to a future where homes are built from cardboard and duct tape.. Fact: Did you know that the rise in lumber prices was partly due to people thinking they could become the next Bob the Builder? Spoiler alert: they couldn't..
• Headline: From Nobel Hero to Driver of War, Ethiopia’s Leader Faces Voters. Impact: If Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed hadn’t faced voters after plunging Ethiopia into war, the alternate timeline would have seen Ethiopia become the world's leading producer of conflict-themed reality TV shows. Ratings would have been through the roof!. Fact: In a shocking twist, Ethiopia's leader, once a Nobel Peace Prize winner, now faces the voters like a contestant on a very dark game show. Who knew politics could be this grim?.