JUNE 12, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Conservative Movement in Southern Baptists. Impact: When conservatives decided to commandeer the Southern Baptists, they inadvertently set off a chain reaction that led to a secret society of pirate-themed churches. In an alternate timeline, sermons are given with eye patches and parrots on shoulders, while the congregation debates the merits of buried treasure vs. eternal salvation.. Fact: Did you know that the Southern Baptists have never actually had a ship? But they might just take one if it comes with a discount on holy water!.
• Headline: The Controversy of Pitching Substances. Impact: The sticky situation with baseballs created a ripple effect that led to a national movement demanding more transparency in sports. In one timeline, this culminated in a reality show where players had to disclose their sticky secrets while competing for fan votes.. Fact: Fun fact: the only thing stickier than a doctored baseball is the excuse players make when they get caught!.
• Headline: New York's Mayor Race and Progressive Politics. Impact: The mayoral race in New York became the catalyst for a new political movement: the Progressive Plateau Party, where candidates promise to only campaign from elevated surfaces. This led to debates held on high-rise rooftops, giving 'high stakes' a whole new meaning.. Fact: Did you know that the term 'progressive plateau' is actually just a fancy way of saying they’re stuck in a rut? Who knew politics could be so... flat?.
• Headline: Private Inequity: How a Powerful Industry Conquered the Tax System. Impact: The cozy relationship between private equity firms and the IRS paved the way for a future where tax evasion became the hottest new trend. By 2035, tax advisors were replaced by stylish evasion consultants who charged by the hour to teach rich folks how to dodge taxes like pros.. Fact: Did you know that the IRS is like that one friend who never shows up for the party? They just don’t audit private equity firms, but they’ll definitely show up to take your money at tax time!.
• Headline: This Is the Summer the Youth Own New York. Impact: As the youth claimed New York for a summer, it sparked a nationwide trend of 'Youth Uprisings' where every city formed committees of teenagers to overthrow boring adult rules—like having to wear shoes in public. In a parallel universe, flip-flops became the official footwear of governance.. Fact: Did you know that 'owning New York' really just means taking over the Wi-Fi passwords? Because that’s how real power is measured these days!.