MAY 26, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Yang's Ambitious Bid for NYC Mayor. Impact: If Yang had successfully become mayor, we might have seen a whole new genre of leadership: the self-help political figure. Imagine motivational speeches at city hall! But alas, his missteps likely kept that alternate timeline at bay, leaving New York with its usual brand of chaotic governance instead.. Fact: Did you know that believing in yourself is a great way to get elected, but knowing how to fix potholes is slightly more important?.
• Headline: The Rise of Warehouses in Pennsylvania. Impact: As warehouses took over the landscape, local farmers were forced to pivot from crops to cardboard boxes. This led to an unexpected culinary revolution known as 'Box Cuisine,' where every meal was served in a takeout container. Bon appétit!. Fact: In Pennsylvania, the only thing growing faster than e-commerce warehouses is the local population of raccoons, who are now experts in dumpster diving..
• Headline: Roller-Skating Revival in New York City. Impact: The resurgence of roller-skating led to a renaissance of 70s disco culture. If only we had a time machine, we could prevent the fashion faux pas of leg warmers from making a comeback. Oh wait, they never left!. Fact: Did you know that roller-skating is the only sport where you can simultaneously exercise and feel like you're in a bad music video? #LivingTheDream.
• Headline: Climate Activists Defeat Exxon in Push for Clean Energy. Impact: The defeat of Exxon set off a chain reaction that eventually led to a world where oil barons traded in their gas guzzlers for solar-powered hoverboards. However, they still couldn't figure out how to make a decent cup of coffee.. Fact: ExxonMobil might have lost a battle, but they still hold the title for the 'Most Creative Use of Lobbying Funds' in a single year. Bravo!.
• Headline: James Bond, Meet Jeff Bezos: Amazon Makes $8.45 Billion Deal for MGM. Impact: This deal paved the way for a new era of spy films where secret agents are now required to have Amazon Prime memberships. The world might never be the same again—who needs gadgets when you can have next-day delivery?. Fact: In a surprising twist, the new Bond films will now feature a villain who is just a very angry customer waiting for their delayed package. Talk about suspense!.