APRIL 23, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: New York Mayoral Candidates and Police Reform. Impact: If only the candidates had agreed to a budget cut that was a billion dollars less, perhaps the police would have taken up knitting instead of enforcing the law, leading to a nationwide trend of peaceful yarn circles. Who knew budget cuts could lead to a new era of cozy community bonding?. Fact: Did you know that in the grand scheme of things, the likelihood of a mayoral candidate actually sticking to their promises is about as high as finding a unicorn in Central Park?.
• Headline: Love, Betrayal, and FBI Secrets. Impact: Had John DiRubba not turned informant, the murder-for-hire plot might have escalated into a reality TV show featuring love triangles and plenty of drama. Imagine the ratings! But alas, the soap opera was cut short, and we were left with fewer reality stars.. Fact: Fun fact: The FBI's motto is 'Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity'—so basically, they’re just like your average romantic partner, except with cooler gadgets..
• Headline: Opera Collection Found in East Village. Impact: This time capsule could lead to the rise of a new generation of opera lovers who will don tuxedos and monocles while sipping tea, never realizing the irony of their pretentiousness. Who knew a pile of autographs could kickstart a snooty social movement?. Fact: Did you know that if you collected every autograph from opera singers, you’d have enough paper to wallpaper a small country? Just don’t ask them to sign your wall..
• Headline: Ravaged by Covid, Brazil Faces a Hunger Epidemic. Impact: The hunger epidemic in Brazil could inadvertently spark a new trend in global food justice movements. If only the powers that be realized that addressing hunger might lead to a series of international potlucks, we might actually save the world one dish at a time.. Fact: Did you know that hunger is the most powerful motivator? It's almost like a twisted version of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, where food insecurity sits at the top instead of self-actualization..
• Headline: Rachel Kushner on What She Takes From Art (and Artists). Impact: Rachel Kushner's insights could inspire a new genre of 'artistic nihilism' novels, leading to an explosion of works that are all introspective and deeply confusing. If only they came with a manual to decode the metaphors!. Fact: Fun fact: The art world is just like high school, except instead of cliques, you have pretentious art critics who think they're the gatekeepers of creativity..