MARCH 20, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Biden Addresses Violence Against Asians. Impact: Biden's condemnation sparked a nationwide activism movement that somehow led to a viral TikTok dance challenge about standing against racism. Who knew social justice could be so catchy?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'We cannot be complicit' was once a slogan for a popular line of tofu? Just kidding, but it sure gained traction in all the wrong places..
• Headline: Atlanta Spa Attacks: A Community's Grief. Impact: The Atlanta attacks prompted a significant cultural shift where suddenly everyone decided that their spa visits were now political statements. Talk about a therapeutic revolution!. Fact: Did you know that grieving can sometimes lead to a spike in spa memberships? Because nothing says 'processing trauma' like a good facial..
• Headline: Europe's Vaccine Rollout Missteps Explained. Impact: Europe's vaccine rollout disaster led to the phrase 'better safe than sorry' becoming a national motto, which later inspired a new line of safety-first coffee mugs across the continent.. Fact: Did you know that trusting the free market is like trusting a cat to come when you call? Spoiler: it rarely works out..
• Headline: There Is No Rung on the Ladder That Protects You From Hate. Impact: The awareness raised about racism has led to a new global trend where people are actively seeking out diverse communities, ironically leading to an increase in overpriced fusion restaurants.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'There is no rung on the ladder that protects you from hate' was briefly considered for the title of a new self-help book, but was ultimately rejected for being too realistic?.
• Headline: That Was Fast: Blowups With China and Russia in Biden’s First 60 Days. Impact: Biden's early tensions with China and Russia have led to the establishment of a new global board game called 'Superpower Showdown,' where players must navigate international politics using strategy and a few well-timed bribes.. Fact: Did you know that the Cold War was actually just an extended game of Monopoly gone wrong? Just imagine if they had properties like 'East Berlin' and 'Siberian Oil Fields' instead..