MARCH 19, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Atlanta Spa Shootings: A Troubling Profile. Impact: If only this gunman had chosen a different hobby, we might have avoided a cascade of societal discussions about addiction, violence, and the need for better spa regulations. Who knew a massage could lead to a national debate on gun control and mental health? Talk about a rubdown with unintended consequences!. Fact: In a shocking twist, massage parlors are not actually a front for world domination, despite what some conspiracy theorists might think. They just want to help you relax, not plot your downfall..
• Headline: Ethiopia’s Military Tensions and Atrocities. Impact: As Ethiopia's military tightens its grip, the world takes notes, potentially inspiring future dictatorships to consider 'holding on' as a viable strategy. After all, why let a little thing like ethics get in the way of power?. Fact: Despite what the headlines say, the phrase 'keeping hold' is not a new yoga pose. It's just a sad reminder of the lengths some will go to maintain control..
• Headline: Expanding Vaccine Eligibility Amid Pandemic. Impact: The mad dash to expand vaccine eligibility might just have set off an unexpected trend of 'who can get the shot first' races, leading to the birth of new Olympic events. Next up, competitive vaccine card collecting!. Fact: If only the urgency to vaccinate matched the urgency of finding a good Wi-Fi signal during a Zoom call, we might have been out of this pandemic ages ago..
• Headline: How the Illegal Rave Scene Thrives During the Pandemic. Impact: The underground rave scene during the pandemic has paved the way for future generations to believe that rules are merely suggestions. Congratulations, authorities! You’ve inadvertently instigated a rebellion against the mundane.. Fact: Illegal raves: because who needs a DJ when you have a basement and questionable life choices? It's like a rebellious rite of passage for the young and restless..
• Headline: How Essential Workers Who Shared Their Sundays With Us Are Doing, One Year In. Impact: The struggles of essential workers might just inspire a new wave of gratitude that leads to the best-selling memoirs of 2025. If only we could bottle this appreciation and sell it on Amazon!. Fact: Nurses and waitstaff are the real superheroes of our time, proving that capes are overrated when you can wield a syringe or a tray of nachos instead. Forget Marvel; we need a documentary series!.