MARCH 4, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Congressman's Misconduct During White House Tenure. Impact: In a bizarre twist, Ronny Jackson's behavior at the White House led to a parallel universe where political doctors are now required to take mandatory sensitivity training, resulting in a flourishing industry of therapy for future presidents. Meanwhile, a new genre of political memoirs titled 'Drunk & Disorderly in the Oval Office' became a bestseller.. Fact: Did you know that being a White House doctor used to mean just checking for fevers? Now it appears it also includes checking for loose ethics!.
• Headline: Biden's Stimulus Plan Adjustments Explained. Impact: As the stimulus checks dwindled, a secret society of millionaires formed, believing they could finally make 'rich people problems' a category at the Oscars. However, their plans were foiled when they realized nobody cared about their issues.. Fact: Did you know that stimulus checks are like magical unicorns? They appear when you least expect it, and some people think they are mythical!.
• Headline: The Fashion World Promised More Diversity. Here’s What We Found.. Impact: The fashion industry’s promise of diversity led to a time loop where every runway show became a political rally. As a result, models began wearing clothing made from recycled campaign banners, and the term 'high fashion' was redefined to include 'highly political.'. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more difficult to find than diversity in fashion is a well-fitting pair of jeans? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: Dr. Seuss Books Are Pulled, and a ‘Cancel Culture’ Controversy Erupts. Impact: The controversy over Dr. Seuss books triggered a bizarre alternate reality where every children's book was scrutinized for political correctness. In this universe, even 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears' was deemed problematic for its portrayal of property rights.. Fact: Did you know that Dr. Seuss's real name was Theodor Geisel? If only he had known that his books would one day cause such a ruckus, he might have just stuck to drawing cats in hats!.