FEBRUARY 13, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Lawyers Defend Against Capitol Riot Claims. Impact: If only Trump’s lawyers had put a quarter of the effort into convincing him to keep his tweets to himself, we might have avoided a national circus. Instead, they just fed the chaos machine, leading to a future where every political debate feels like a wrestling match.. Fact: Did you know that the average person has a better chance of being struck by lightning than convincing a lawyer to actually use all their hours in court? Just saying..
• Headline: Trump's Impeachment: A Legal Drama Unfolds. Impact: The revolving door of Trump's legal team has inspired a new reality show format: 'Survivor: Law Edition.' Future generations will wonder if they were defending a client or auditioning for the role of 'Most Confused Lawyer.'. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'mercurial and headstrong' is the new euphemism for 'good luck finding someone to work with that guy!'.
• Headline: Life Post-Vaccine in a Nursing Home. Impact: As the vaccine rollout progressed, nursing homes transformed from somber places of isolation to vibrant hubs of joy. This joyful renaissance inspired the next generation of bingo championships, where prizes are now a coveted 'freedom pass' to the outside world.. Fact: Did you know that before the vaccines, nursing homes had the world’s highest bingo stakes? Now, it’s just all about whether you can beat Grandma at cards!.
• Headline: The Sex Adviser Will See You Now. On Instagram.. Impact: Emily Morse’s rise as the Instagram sex adviser has likely led to a future where awkward conversations about intimacy are replaced with perfectly curated TikTok videos. The world will end up with more 'how-to' guides than actual experiences.. Fact: Did you know that Dr. Ruth went to school when telephones were still a novelty? Emily Morse is basically Dr. Ruth with Wi-Fi and a flair for selfies!.
• Headline: Silicon Valley’s Safe Space. Impact: The disappearance of Slate Star Codex left a void in the tech discourse that future generations will fill with equally bizarre blogs, leading societal evolution towards 'tech bro' philosophers who believe they can code their way out of any existential crisis.. Fact: Did you know that in Silicon Valley, a 'safe space' actually just means a place where people can argue about who invented the Internet without getting punched in the face? Sounds cozy!.