FEBRUARY 4, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: McKinsey's $600 Million Opioid Settlement. Impact: This settlement initiated a frenzy of lawsuits against consultants everywhere. Next thing you know, even your local pizza shop's marketing team is being sued for their aggressive cheese promotion strategies.. Fact: McKinsey's advice was so effective that it could convince a cat to become a dog. Or at least, that's what they claimed..
• Headline: McCarthy Condemns Yet Supports Greene's Remarks. Impact: This moment will be remembered as the time political leaders perfected the art of double-talk, leading to the invention of a new language: Politicianese, spoken fluently by anyone with a press conference.. Fact: Marjorie Taylor Greene's comments are so outlandish, they could be an alternate plot for a reality show called 'Survivor: Political Edition'..
• Headline: Beverly Hills Real Estate Power Shift. Impact: The emergence of these real estate moguls paved the way for a new era where selling homes became as competitive as the Hunger Games. May the odds be ever in your favor when bidding on a house.. Fact: In Beverly Hills, a 'walk-in closet' can be bigger than your entire apartment. What are they hiding in there, a secret stash of gold bars?.
• Headline: Inside the Shadowy Militias Luring Unsuspecting Afghans to Fight, or Die. Impact: This headline marks the beginning of a new chapter where the job description for 'hero' includes 'also willing to be misled into battle.' The recruitment pamphlet is sure to be a hit at college career fairs.. Fact: In Afghanistan, they say that fighting for your life is just one step away from an extreme reality TV challenge. Who knew survival could be so... marketable?.
• Headline: Toll Worker Job Losses Highlight Long-Term Fallout of Pandemic. Impact: As toll workers lose their jobs to technology, we are now one step closer to a future where even your toaster might start demanding a salary. Welcome to the age of robotic overlords!. Fact: The last time toll booths were this quiet, they were auditioning for a role in a horror movie. Spoiler alert: they never got the part..