JANUARY 30, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Greene's Controversies Spark Political Silence. Impact: In a parallel universe, Marjorie Taylor Greene becomes a conspiracy theorist rockstar, leading a cult that believes the moon landing was filmed in her living room. This inadvertently inspires a generation of filmmakers who produce the worst sci-fi movies ever, causing cinema to collapse in on itself.. Fact: Did you know that suggesting 9/11 was a hoax is a surefire way to get your credibility tossed out the window? Also, if you believe the Clintons are murderers, you might want to check their Yelp reviews..
• Headline: Mystery of the Vanishing Priest Unveiled. Impact: The vanishing priest story inspires a bestselling mystery novel series, leading to the creation of a reality show about priests who vanish under mysterious circumstances. Spoiler alert: they were just really bad at answering their phones.. Fact: Did you know that in the hierarchy of religious orders, silence is golden? Especially when it comes to dealing with abuse allegations..
• Headline: The Enduring Allure of Nitrous Oxide. Impact: The nitrous oxide craze leads to an accidental discovery of a new form of renewable energy, powered by laughter. Future generations will thank the party-goers for saving the planet one giggle at a time.. Fact: Did you know that nitrous oxide is often referred to as laughing gas? Because nothing says 'party' like inhaling a substance that makes you giggle uncontrollably and forget why you entered the room in the first place..
• Headline: For McCarthy and McConnell, Two Paths on Trumpian Crisis Management. Impact: The rivalry between McCarthy and McConnell becomes a reality show, 'Survivor: Politician Edition,' where the last one standing gets to lead Congress. Unfortunately, all the viewers just want to see them argue over who can dodge questions better.. Fact: Did you know that if you put two politicians in a room and ask them to discuss anything, you'll get a masterclass in evasion? It’s like watching a magician perform sleight of hand... with words..
• Headline: How the Search for Covid-19 Treatments Faltered While Vaccines Sped Ahead. Impact: The faltering search for Covid-19 treatments leads to the emergence of a new genre of medical dramas where doctors spend entire episodes looking for treatments that don't exist. Viewers are left wondering if they’re watching a show or just the news.. Fact: Did you know that while vaccines were racing ahead, treatments were playing a game of hide and seek? Spoiler: treatments are still hiding..