JANUARY 12, 2021

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reassessing the Trump Brand Post-Capitol Attack. Impact: When the Trump brand got a makeover, it led to a nationwide trend of failed luxury brands suddenly pivoting to selling organic soaps and artisanal cheese. Who knew that the path to enlightenment was literally paved with overpriced dairy products?. Fact: Did you know that the Trump brand was once synonymous with gold-plated everything? Now, it seems to be more about the gold-laden guilt of luxury gone wrong..
• Headline: State Capitols Brace for Potential Violence. Impact: The heightened alert at state capitols resulted in a nationwide movement of 'Protest Yoga,' where peaceful protesters practiced deep breathing while simultaneously standing for their rights. Who knew tranquility could be a form of resistance?. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'high alert' originally referred to your neighbor's dog barking at the mailman, but now it's somehow a state of governance..
• Headline: Justice Dept. Pursues at Least 150 Suspects in Capitol Riot. Impact: The nationwide manhunt for Capitol riot suspects inadvertently led to a spike in people taking up parkour, as more citizens attempted to evade capture while jumping over fences. Who knew evading the law could be such a cardio workout?. Fact: Interesting tidbit: The Capitol Riot gave law enforcement enough suspects to cast an entire season of a reality TV show—'America’s Most Wanted: Capitol Edition.'.
• Headline: House Sets Impeachment Vote to Charge Trump With Incitement. Impact: The impeachment vote created a ripple effect where every political move since has been compared to 'The Impeachment Games'—a dystopian reality show that nobody signed up for but somehow can’t stop watching.. Fact: Did you know that impeachment votes are the political equivalent of a group project where everyone tries to avoid doing the work while still claiming the credit?.