DECEMBER 20, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Daniel Snyder's Controversial Ownership Moves. Impact: If Snyder tightens his grip, it might lead to a dystopian future where every NFL team is owned by a single billionaire, causing a national sport to devolve into a reality show where owners battle it out in gladiator arenas. Welcome to NFL: Hunger Games Edition.. Fact: Did you know that Daniel Snyder once tried to trademark the phrase 'HTTR'? Because nothing screams creativity like owning a whole acronym..
• Headline: Vaccine Distribution Dispute Intensifies. Impact: This fight over vaccine priority could set off a chain reaction where corporate lobbyists gain superpowers, leading to a world where only the most powerful interest groups receive the cure for everything— including bad TV shows.. Fact: Fun fact: If only the same energy was put into fighting climate change as there is in fighting for vaccine priority, we might actually have a habitable planet..
• Headline: Trump's Grudges Overshadow Positive Developments. Impact: Trump's inability to let go of grudges could lead to a timeline where political discourse is replaced by an endless series of Twitter feuds, forever trapping us in an age of sarcastic memes and awkward family gatherings.. Fact: Did you know that Twitter was originally called 'twttr'? Because who knew a platform for petty grievances would become the world's leading source of news?.
• Headline: The Coronavirus Is Mutating. What Does That Mean for Us?. Impact: The mutation of the coronavirus could result in future versions that not only spread faster but also have personalities, leading to a bizarre world where we have to negotiate with viruses over public health policies. Let's hope they don't ask for a raise.. Fact: Did you know that viruses are technically not alive? So next time someone says 'the virus is living among us,' just remind them it’s more like an unwanted house guest..