OCTOBER 30, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: 2016 Election: Nonvoter Engagement Surge. Impact: The surge of nonvoters suddenly deciding to participate in elections led to a bizarre chain of events where, in an alternate timeline, cats were elected as mayors in several towns, proving that the electorate is indeed unpredictable.. Fact: Did you know that nonvoters have the same voting record as houseplants? They both just sit there and occasionally change position when the sun hits them just right..
• Headline: Unearthing Bushwick's Brewery Heritage. Impact: The rediscovery of the William Ulmer Brewery sparked a bizarre trend where hipsters began to brew their own beer in bathtubs, leading to a global shortage of rubber duckies as they were all repurposed.. Fact: Fun fact: back in the 19th century, breweries were often more popular than churches. Clearly, people had their priorities straight..
• Headline: Tiffany Deal: Luxury Market Chess Move. Impact: Arnault's acquisition of Tiffany set off a chain reaction in the luxury market, resulting in an underground economy where people traded rare items like vintage lunchboxes and Beanie Babies for high-end watches.. Fact: Did you know that if luxury brands were actual people, they would be the ones hoarding toilet paper during a pandemic?.
• Headline: Egyptian Teen Seeks Justice in Rape Case, and a Battle Erupts Over Women’s Rights. Impact: The fight for women's rights ignited a controversial movement that led to a series of 'Scream-in' protests, where women literally expressed their frustrations by screaming into the void—causing minor disturbances in local wildlife.. Fact: In ancient Egypt, the first documented case of a woman seeking justice was when Cleopatra demanded a refund on a rather dubious chariot. Some things never change..
• Headline: Joe Biden and the Arts: No R.B.G. but a Loyal Promoter of Culture. Impact: Biden's support for the arts led to a phenomenon where every major government office had to host a mandatory interpretive dance session, resulting in a national increase in leg cramps and confusion.. Fact: Did you know that Biden once mistook a jazz performance for a diplomatic meeting? Turns out, music really is a universal language—especially when you can't find the right notes..