OCTOBER 4, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's Health and Public Perception. Impact: Trump's health debacle led to an unprecedented rise in conspiracy theories about presidential wellness. By 2030, people started believing that presidents had to undergo 'Presidential Health Rituals' that included interpretive dance and interpretive medical reports.. Fact: The only thing more confusing than Trump's health reports is trying to solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded while riding a unicycle..
• Headline: Tragic Death of Sanda Dia. Impact: Sanda Dia's tragic death sparked a worldwide movement against fraternity hazing that inadvertently led to the rise of virtual sororities and an explosion of cat-themed online communities as safer social hubs.. Fact: Hazing is like trying to impress your friends by jumping off a cliff; it only works if you survive. Unfortunately, not everyone got the memo..
• Headline: Lang Lang's Controversial Goldberg Variations. Impact: Lang Lang's overzealous Bach interpretations led to a global shortage of earplugs by 2025, as classical purists sought refuge from the cacophony of 'too muchly' piano playing.. Fact: If playing the piano too muchly were an Olympic sport, Lang Lang would win gold, silver, and bronze simultaneously—while playing his own victory anthem..
• Headline: Fearing 2nd Wave, N.Y.C. Will Adopt Restrictions in Hard-Hit Areas. Impact: The second wave restrictions in NYC became a blueprint for overzealous officials worldwide. By 2025, cities were adopting 'No Fun Zones' with strict penalties for laughter above a certain decibel level.. Fact: In a parallel universe, mayors declare a 'Day of Celebration' every time virus rates rise—because who doesn't love a good irony?.
• Headline: Mariah Carey, Elusive No More. Impact: Mariah Carey's memoir inspired a genre of 'celebrity self-actualization' books that became wildly popular, leading to an increase in people who believe they too can hit those high notes in life—despite having no vocal training whatsoever.. Fact: Mariah's range is so impressive that it has been speculated that she could literally shatter glass—if only she’d stop doing it on purpose during her concerts..