OCTOBER 2, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump's COVID Diagnosis Shakes Investor Confidence. Impact: If Trump hadn't tested positive, perhaps investors would have avoided the rollercoaster of stock fluctuations. Instead, they now have more anxiety than a cat on a hot tin roof, setting off a chain reaction of panic buying that led to the creation of the world's first emotional support stock broker.. Fact: Did you know that 'uncertainty' is actually a stock market term for 'let's all freak out and sell everything'?.
• Headline: Colleges Combat Coronavirus with Testing Strategies. Impact: The extensive testing at colleges could lead to a future where students are all too familiar with swabs, making them experts in nasal anatomy—perhaps even leading to a new career path as 'Nasal Historians' who document every sneeze in history.. Fact: Colleges are now offering degrees in ‘Advanced COVID Testing Techniques’—because who wouldn’t want their diploma to say ‘I survived a pandemic and learned to stick things up noses’?.
• Headline: Trump's COVID Test Disrupts Election Campaign. Impact: Trump's positive test could be seen as a pivotal moment in electoral history, possibly leading to a future where politicians regularly use health as a strategy to gain sympathy votes. Get ready for campaigns centered around 'Vote for me, I have a cold!'. Fact: In a shocking turn of events, future candidates might start running on platforms promising to never catch a cold—talk about a breath of fresh air!.
• Headline: Love and the Lockdown. Impact: The lockdown-induced love rush may lead to a future where people are so accustomed to living in pairs that single people will be treated like exotic animals. Expect reality shows documenting their 'natural habitats' as they search for mates in the wild.. Fact: Quarantining together is the new norm—who knew that being stuck with your partner could qualify as a ‘team-building exercise’?.
• Headline: Apps Will Get You Paid Early, for a Price. Impact: The rise of pay-advance apps could spark a future where people become financially savvy—eventually leading to a society where vending machines start offering financial advice instead of snacks. Who needs a therapist when you have a soda machine?. Fact: If you thought payday was stressful, just wait until you see the emotional rollercoaster of the app that tells you how much money you *could* have had if only you’d waited!.