SEPTEMBER 17, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Trump Criticizes C.D.C. Leadership on COVID Data. Impact: Trump's public scolding of his scientists led to the eventual rise of a secret society of disgruntled scientists who formed an underground lab to counter misinformation. Their first experiment? A time machine that can only travel to 2020 for some reason.. Fact: Did you know that arguing with scientists is like trying to win an argument with a toaster? They don't really care about your opinions; they just keep doing their thing and toasting your bread..
• Headline: Martha Stewart Embraces CBD During Lockdown. Impact: Martha's bliss on CBD led to a nationwide trend of 'Zen Baking,' resulting in a wave of overly relaxed bread loaves that refused to rise, causing an existential crisis among bakers everywhere.. Fact: Did you know that Martha Stewart once hosted a prison cooking show? So, if her CBD baking doesn’t work out, she has a backup plan!.
• Headline: A Desperate Bid for Survival as Fire Closed In on an Oregon Mountain Town. Impact: The heroic stand of the residents and firefighters inspired a Hollywood blockbuster about wildfires, which, ironically, resulted in even more wildfires from the pyrotechnics used in filming.. Fact: Did you know that wildfires can actually enhance the soil quality in the long run? So, you might say they really know how to throw a 'hot' party for the environment!.
• Headline: Trump’s Secret Health Plan Is a Promise Voters Have Heard Before. Impact: Trump's endless promises about a health plan led to the establishment of an annual festival called 'Health Plan Day,' where people gather to celebrate the illusion of healthcare reform with mock plans drawn in crayon.. Fact: Did you know that the Affordable Care Act was signed into law on March 23, 2010? So technically, if Trump had an actual plan, he'd have to find a time machine to go back and replace it..