SEPTEMBER 14, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Intercept's Scandal and Its Consequences. Impact: The Intercept's scandal led to a series of events where journalists grew paranoid about their own sources, resulting in an underground network of anonymous tips that ultimately caused an increase in the use of carrier pigeons for sensitive information exchanges. Pigeons became the new hipster trend in investigative journalism.. Fact: The Intercept's motto should probably be 'We promise to reveal everything—except our own mess.'.
• Headline: Thiem's Epic Comeback at U.S. Open. Impact: Thiem's comeback not only solidified his place in tennis history but also inspired a wave of motivational speakers who now use 'The Thiem Method' for everything from business negotiations to getting out of awkward family dinners.. Fact: If you ever feel down, just remember that Thiem literally rose from the ashes of two sets to become a champion—so maybe your Netflix binge isn't that bad after all..
• Headline: Yoshihide Suga Takes Japanese Leadership. Impact: Suga’s rise brought about an unexpected boom in black market sushi restaurants, as people sought to escape the political turmoil while simultaneously getting their wasabi fix. Who knew political instability could lead to such culinary innovation?. Fact: Yoshihide Suga's name translates to 'excellent' and 'emerging,' which is ironic considering he was literally hiding behind the curtain like a bad magician..
• Headline: When You Love, and Loathe, Watching the N.F.L.. Impact: The NFL’s return during such chaotic times led to a rise in social media influencers who now claim they can heal the nation through football memes. One viral post even suggested that touchdowns could solve racial tensions, proving once and for all that people will believe anything if it’s in meme form.. Fact: The NFL: where you can watch millionaires tackle each other while the rest of us tackle our existential dread..
• Headline: How New York City’s Police Unions Embraced Trump. Impact: The police unions embracing Trump led to an increase in the popularity of crime podcasts, as listeners sought to understand the bizarre marriage of law enforcement and politics. This then resulted in a new genre of true crime where the real villain was just political apathy.. Fact: Nothing says 'diverse workforce' like a group of mostly white suburban Republicans leading a police union in a city known for its diversity. It's like bringing a salad to a barbecue—totally missing the point..