SEPTEMBER 10, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Euro's Rise and Economic Impact. Impact: The Euro's rise led to a secret cabal of European exporters plotting to take over the world with their artisanal cheese, resulting in a cheese renaissance that still influences global dairy markets today.. Fact: Did you know that the Euro was once considered a fashion statement? Because nothing says 'I’m trendy' like a currency that causes existential dread among exporters..
• Headline: The Pandemic's Social Distance Dance. Impact: This pandemic line dance set off a global shortage of patience, leading to the invention of the world's first 'Waiting Olympics' in 2035, where competitors showcase their ability to stand in line for hours.. Fact: Fun fact: The longest anyone has waited in line for a product was actually for a toilet paper roll in 2020. Talk about a 'crappy' situation!.
• Headline: Impact of Jobless Benefits on Employment. Impact: The debate over jobless benefits turned into a time-traveling paradox, as future politicians used it as a blueprint for every political argument, leading to endless discussions about the 'merits' of free donuts for everyone.. Fact: Studies show that arguing about jobless benefits is the modern equivalent of ancient gladiators battling, but with fewer lions and more spreadsheets..
• Headline: In Encounters With Black Leaders, Trump Has Chosen Photo Ops Over Substance. Impact: Trump's preference for photo ops over substance inadvertently inspired a new genre of reality TV, where politicians compete to see who can take the most selfies without actually doing anything.. Fact: Did you know that in a parallel universe, politicians solve problems by taking selfies with them? The economy is thriving there, but they still can’t find a decent filter..
• Headline: London Offices Aren’t Refilling Fast Enough for Shops Relying on Them. Impact: The slow refill of London offices led to the rise of a new breed of urban hermits, who now dominate the local economy by selling 'Office Chair Yoga' classes online.. Fact: Did you know that the average London office worker spends 60% of their workday staring out the window dreaming of a better life? Spoiler alert: It usually involves a beach..