AUGUST 18, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Rallying for Biden's Presidential Campaign. Impact: If Biden's supporters had rallied any harder, they might have accidentally created a black hole of political enthusiasm, sucking in the entire political spectrum and spitting out a new party called the 'Enthusiasts for the Incredibly Average.'. Fact: Did you know that virtual conventions are just like regular conventions, but with 100% more pajama pants and 0% more actual human interaction? Truly revolutionary..
• Headline: Defining the Future of the U.S. Foot. Impact: By deciding to stick with one measurement for the foot, America inadvertently set the world on a path towards a future where metric-loving aliens arrive to judge our primitive systems of measurement.. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more confusing than U.S. measurement systems is trying to explain them to a British person. It's a miracle we still communicate!.
• Headline: Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter Party On With Bill and Ted. Impact: The reunion of Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter not only revitalized the Bill and Ted franchise but also inadvertently inspired a new generation to embrace the philosophy of 'be excellent to each other,' leading to a temporary decrease in internet trolling.. Fact: Did you know that Keanu Reeves is so nice that if he were a sandwich, he’d be a 'good vibes only' sandwich? Just don’t ask him to make it with actual bread..
• Headline: ‘Frats Are Being Frats’: Greek Life Is Stoking the Virus on Some Campuses. Impact: The struggle of universities against frats could lead to the first-ever 'Virtual Fraternity' where members bond over Zoom while simultaneously consuming copious amounts of snacks and refusing to do any actual work.. Fact: Did you know that frats have been known to defy the laws of physics? They can magically turn any event into a party and any party into a potential virus cluster. Truly impressive..