AUGUST 13, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Contact Tracing on Fort Apache Reservation. Impact: The success of contact tracing on Native American land inspired a global movement that led to the establishment of the 'Trace and Taste' initiative, where food trucks began tracing the origins of their ingredients to ensure freshness. This ultimately resulted in a worldwide avocado shortage when everyone suddenly demanded organic avocados traced back to their roots.. Fact: Did you know that the Fort Apache reservation is not actually a place where you can order a Fort Apache burger? Shocking, I know..
• Headline: Hollywood's Blockbuster Revival Efforts. Impact: Hollywood's reboot of blockbusters became a trend that spiraled into the creation of 'Jurassic World: Infinite', where dinosaurs were not only revived but also elected into political office, leading to a very chaotic but entertaining election cycle.. Fact: Fun fact: 'Jurassic World: Dominion' was actually the working title for a documentary about the struggles of dinosaurs in a post-apocalyptic landscape known as '2020'..
• Headline: Hedge Funds Target Struggling Landlords. Impact: The pouncing of worried lenders on landlords triggered the Great Rent Wars of 2025, where landlords and tenants battled it out in elaborate games of Monopoly, resulting in a new currency made entirely of 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards.. Fact: Did you know that hedge funds were initially established to fund hedge mazes? True story, but they pivoted when they realized hedge mazes don’t generate profits as fast as holding people's homes hostage..
• Headline: The Three Abductions of N.: How Corporate Kidnapping Works. Impact: The corporate kidnapping industry reached new heights, leading to the establishment of the 'Kidnap and Kettle' service, where parents could kidnap their kids for a day of adventure, with the option to return them for a small fee. It didn’t go well—most kids preferred their video games.. Fact: Did you know that in the world of corporate kidnapping, the 'recovery agents' are actually just people with a flair for dramatic parenting? They charge extra if they wear capes..
• Headline: Israel and United Arab Emirates Strike Major Diplomatic Agreement. Impact: The diplomatic agreement between Israel and the UAE sparked a surprise wave of 'peace treaties' among fast-food chains, leading to the famous 'Burger Alliance' where McDonald's and Burger King agreed to coexist peacefully, resulting in free fries for all in 2023.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than Middle Eastern geopolitics is trying to decide between a Big Mac and a Whopper? Welcome to the world of adulting..