JULY 19, 2020

Full News Archive

• Headline: Beans and Politics: A Boycott Story. Impact: The rise in bean-related political activism leads to a future where bean festivals become essential polling stations, and world leaders are judged by their bean recipes rather than policies. Welcome to the Beanocracy!. Fact: If only people cared as much about their voting habits as they do about their bean choices, we might have a nation of bean-loving geniuses running the show!.
• Headline: Twitter's Mystery Hackers: Chaos Averted. Impact: The Twitter hackers' decision to go easy on chaos inadvertently leads to a century of mediocre memes, a lack of viral cat videos, and ultimately, the rise of the unfunny dad joke as a form of humor.. Fact: In a shocking twist, the hackers were actually just a group of bored teenagers looking for a good Wi-Fi signal and some nachos!.
• Headline: Republicans Diverge Amid Pandemic Response. Impact: This moment sparks a radical shift in the political landscape, leading to a future where politicians must wear health monitors that beep loudly whenever they ignore a crisis. Future debates are filled with beeping chaos!. Fact: Ironically, the first politician to wear a health monitor was not a politician at all, but a very concerned cat named Mr. Whiskers, who was just trying to keep his owners healthy..
• Headline: The Met Opera Tries to Find Paying Customers in a Pandemic. Impact: As a result of these livestreamed recitals, opera becomes a trendy virtual party theme, leading to a future where everyone wears formal wear to their Zoom calls, and cats become the new opera critics.. Fact: Livestreamed operas were so popular that by 2025, opera singers began receiving fan mail from dogs, who apparently have an incredible taste for high notes and dramatic flair!.
• Headline: Special Interests Mobilize to Get Piece of Next Virus Relief Package. Impact: The frantic lobbying for virus relief packages leads to a future where lobbyists are given their own reality TV show, 'Lobbyist Island,' where they compete for the most absurd funding requests. Spoiler: It's always about avocado toast.. Fact: In a world where lobbying becomes a sport, the first gold medal was awarded to a lobbyist who successfully argued that every American should receive free guacamole!.